The Official Beer of NES: Tailgate

When I saw this black and orange six pack at Grocery Outlet, I knew I wanted to review it. But then I saw it was a hefenweizen and I recoiled.  It calls itself "The official craft beer of tailgating". Because when I think tailgating, I think small artisan batches of hefenweizen. But, I guess if I'm going to drink a canned hefenweizen, it might as well be the official hefenweizen of tailgating. Why not.


My suspicions that this was some sort of bastard cousin of the Gameday beers was wrong. Tailgate Beer is a new brew, founded in 2007, and is based out of San Diego but brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin by Minhas Brewery. Heard of Minhas? That's because they make Trader Joe's beer. From what I can tell, Tailgate is actually a small producer. I know I should have gotten that from the 'craft brew' denotation, but considering all the beers I review call themselves 'premium', words don't mean anything to me anymore.  But it is interesting to note that the term 'craft brew' does not mean a whole lot. Any brewery that produces 6 million barrels of beer or less per year is a craft brewer. There are over 2 thousand breweries registered in America, and less than 50 of them produce enough beer to not be called a 'craft brew'.

The company was founded by a 21-year-old, but the cans look like they were designed by an 8-year-old who was inspired by an old NES game. Likewise, the website is a sports themed mess that slowed down my browser like I was visiting a free porn site. Or, you know, what I imagine visiting a free porn site would... Nevermind. Anyway, All that being said, the website's FAQ page made me laugh; its snarky and informative. I kind of wish I'd written it. (check is out here). On to the pour...

Its light and clear, which is uncharacteristic of a hefenweizen, but if there had been shit floating around in it, I wouldn't have been too thrilled with that either. The technical classification is American Pale Wheat Ale, but it smells like any bland Adjunct lager I've ever had. Just don't smell it more than you have to. Its got a little bit of ass-stench to it. Its also got that malty syrup taste that I'm not a tremendous fan of. Those were the cons. The pros being its a light, drinkable beer with very little after-taste. The taste is improved with a little bit of lemon juice. 

Mike gives it a C+ when ice cold, but a C- when slightly warm, where I give it an overall C. 

There's the right way, There's the wrong way,

And there's the Kingway.

It sounds like the name of a discount grocery store, but it's actually a beer from China that I bought at a discount grocery store. It was the only 6-pack of its kind, and sitting in a ripped box and covered in dust, it wasn't hard for me to know which beer to pick for this installment of the beer blog.

Although from China, Kingway is a European Pale Lager. Now, I know Euro Pale Lagers are not something we deal with everyday on this site, so let me explain briefly how that differs from an American Adjunct Lager: It doesn't. 

So, moving on, the brewing company, Guangdong, was founded in 1990 and as of 2004, Heineken has owned 21% of the brewing company, which may have something to do with the label stating its brewed "In the German Brewing Tradition".

The website for Guangdong looks like it was made by a mid-western family to post their yearly Christmas letter. That aside, its the most informative beer website I've seen, covering everything from ingredients, to information for the stock holders, to annual reports, or as I like to call them, "the Kingway Christmas letter".  The website states that they vow to make sure every bottle of beer is 'flawless', and boasts 'Green Technology', which means brewing without the use of formaldehyde. Wait. WHAT? I had to do research, and apparently, trace amounts of formaldehyde is used in not just Chinese beer, but most beers, to prevent bacteria from growing in the can. Bottled beer does not contain formaldehyde, but even at trace amounts, with the amount of beer that I consume, I'm probably going to end up pickling myself.
But back to Kingway. It received the China Best Brand award in the 'green food' category in 2002, 2004, and 2005, which is super prestigious, considering how well known China is for its beer. 

It had a good pour; good head, proper lacing, clear golden color. I feel like there was a bait and switch, because all the really positive stuff ends there. It had an off-putting smell that was not at all beer scented, but neither Mike or I still can't place it. Old potato? No. I don't know. Its drinkable, just don't give it a chance to get warm. Mike tasted the rotten vegetable taste often present in american adjunct style, but I didn't. I did however experience a mildly unpleasantly, thick, sweet mouthcoat. And gave me awful after-burps.

I give it a C-. It had good presentation, I think if it hadn't been as old as it appeared to be (there was a stamp on the bottles that may have suggested it was brewed in 2010), it could have gotten a solid C.

The California State Fair: People Watching that Moves You!

California has a massive state fair, so massive that just being a state fair isn't enough. Every year it has to have a theme. This year's theme was "Fun That Moves You", which seemed pretty unnecessary because as far as I'm concerned, no one I know actually goes to the state fair for 'fun'. We go for two main things, to eat so much food that we nearly die, and to judge strangers as they eat so much food that they almost die.

So, with our agenda set, we started out for the California State Fair on six dollars night. We were hoping cheap ticket night would attach prime people-watching material, only to find out that people go to the California State Fair not just to see, but to be seen. I was deeply disappointed by the amount of updos, and sleek dresses. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of XXL Micky Mouse shirts and fanny packs to go around, but I wasn't wading ankle deep in dirty screaming children. Wait. Am I complaining about that right now?

On to the food. I don't remember where I first heard this, but I've had a lot of people tell me that no one should eat more than two hot dogs a month. I didn't know why, but I figured, since everyone seemed to know it, so it must be true. I found an article online that said eating a hot dog is the equivalent to smoking a cigarette. I guess it makes sense; you tend to really crave both when you're stressed out, and if you have one at a kid's party, you're instantly racked with guilt. The American Institute for Cancer Research produced a study that suggested eating a hot dog a day could increase your chance of colon cancer by over 20%. All that being said, I really, really wanted a hot dog.

And they're not hard to find at a state fair. But I didn't want some plain jane chili dog, or a hot dog on a stick. This was the State Fair. I needed something special. Like a hot dog wrapped in a doughnut. 

Yeah. A maple glazed doughnut cut in half and stuffed with a hot dog for $5.75. That was exactly what I was looking for. As we were ordering, a little girl came up behind us and read the sign "'Doughnut Dog?' GROSS!" and then ran away. I feel like that was fate giving me one last chance to turn back, but the food truck guy had already gone out back to get the doughnut out of his trailer, so I felt obligated to stay.

Seen here, being modeled by Mike, it was actually a pretty good dog, but the mix of frosting and  tubed meat was kind of gross. And the doughnut, which was probably fried early in the morning, was extremely stale by 7pm.

Here is a close up of the Doughnut Hot Dog. I'm still struggling with what we would have topped it with. The options of yellow mustard or ketchup sounded too gross to try. As we were eating this, I couldn't help feeling like we were being watched. And judged. 

Oh, Schlitz. You caught me.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, here's a not-so-bad beer review:

To be fair, there is very little that is mass produced, with the exception of hot dogs and BK Mocha Joe, that isn't terrible. So when I find a beer that is distributed nationwide that it even mildly drinkable, I celebrate it as a victory.

 

Schlitz is doing its best to cash in on it's own vintage mystique, going as far as to using an old picture of Playboy's Miss December 1968, Cynthia Myers, as their mascot. Who, just for reference, passed away last year at the age of sixty-one. That's right, their advertising angle is so old, it's literally dead. Schlitz's slogan, which hasn't changed in over 100 years, is "The beer that made Milwaukee famous", but could just as easily be, "The beer that you associate with old people."

Or is that just what they WANT you to think? This isn't a new trend for Pabst Brewing Company. They pretend their market is old men, but in actuality, its young men who dress like old men. I'm talking about hipsters. Finally, something that will match my maroon knitted beanie cap...

Although you should probably just drink it straight from the bottle, the pour has a clear, bright yellow color and very lacy, lingering head. With an alcohol content of 4.6%, this American Adjunct Lager has very little about it that is unlikable. That being said, it is also highly unremarkable. Its not all that refreshing; I wouldn't crave one after yard work or anything. But that's okay, hipsters don't do yard work. And it's lack of excitement plays right into the hipster mentality. 


You're drinking it. Its not great or anything, its just, you know, whatever. 


Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but THAT should be Schlitz's next official slogan...

Chelada Clamato, Here's Blood in your mouth!

Clamato is a brand of cocktail mixer that's been around since the 1960s, and apparently, one of the uses of it is the mix it into a beer. So, Budweiser was finally nice enough to do the mixing work for us-- and there's even a Bud Light version! But we're focusing on diesel today.

So, its not really a beer. Its a hybrid beverage, like a beer-tail, or a cock-beer. Let's stick with beer-tail.

This beer wins the award for most off-putting pour. The pink-ish pulpy look of it left me thinking I should have drank it of the can. But it was too late, I'd seen it. And I could never un-see it. It was like the Holocaust of alcoholic beverages. And it was a sad pour; there was an inch or so of foamy head, which vanished in about three seconds, leaving me with a flat, murky drink. It had no smell, which just added to the unsettling nature of the drink.

When did it become a trend that a beer has to literally scare me to make it into this blog? I need to start reviewing cupcakes...

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the taste of this, even though it was exactly as advertised: tomato and clam and beer, the combination  tasted exactly like blood in my mouth.

It had a strong spicy V8 taste, followed by a hint of skunky Budweiser, followed by gross clammy aftertaste that lingered for what felt like the rest of my life. I have a theory that Bud uses these flavored beers (Bud Lime, Bud Wheat, etc.) to mask bad batches of their beer. Every sip made me make the same face the cat makes when she smells something that threatens her.

(Okay, so her face has more hate. I just look like someone slapped me. Maybe that explains the blood taste in my mouth....)

People always attribute Guinness with being "the beer that is also a meal", but I have to argue Chelada was a more savory beverage. Not like drinking a steak exactly, more like... drinking a cold, salty, pulpy clam dish. Hey. I didn't say it was a good meal.

I really dislike V8, so I found this beer-tail undrinkable. Mike is a little more tolerant of vegetable drinks, so he could drink it, but still found it to be awful.

Although I'd give it a few extra points for creativity, this beer still only rates in at a D. We now have four more beers sitting in the place of undrinkable horror; in the bottom right hand corner of our fridge.

What the kids are drinking

I was under the false impression that if a beer had to beat it's customers over the head with the fact that it is alcoholic, than it MUST be delicious. I'm not under that impression anymore. Calling this an "alco-pop" is an insult to soda, alcohol, and under-aged drinkers.

The name is Joose. At first I thought it was an alternate spelling of "Jose". But no, its "Juice". Like "Jungle Juice", That toxic hodge-podge of alcohol and fruit drink that you often find at a college party. Well, maybe you don't find it... but I always seem to. The people at United Brands Company, Inc. decided it would be a good idea to mass produce that experience. It comes in a variety of flavors, the most prominently advertised being grape, but I didn't go there. I went with Cherry Lime instead.

Its actually got an excellent pour, its the color and carbonation of raspberry ginger-ale, but the similarities between Joose and the things that I love end there.

My first flavor response was, "this kind if tastes like a lime rickey!" which was immediately squashed by the burning taste of grain alcohol. My immediately response was to dump the bottle down the drain. And then I realized I didn't fully taste it, and I had to pour a second one. Thanks to my burps, I now know what nail polish removal tastes like.

The throat-ruining burn is not without reason: the alcohol by volume is an impressive 8.5%. The idea that children are drawn to this malt beverage is both good, and bad. Its good, because this is going to turn a LOT of smart kids away from drinking, but bad because a lot really stupid kids will die.

Joose has been awarded a rare spot in our refrigerator. The undrinkable beverage place, where undrinkable beers go to lay in waiting, until someone becomes curious enough, or drunk enough, to try it.

Beer rating: F.

Ed Hardy Beer - The tramp stamp of alcoholic beverages

People can stop using the word "premium" now. It officially has no meaning. Its like a silent letter in the American vernacular. 

Just when I thought the ill-advised popularity of Ed Hardy was over, I find this at my local grocery store. Its a beer based on a clothing brand, based on the success of a tattoo artist; what could possibly go wrong?! For starters, Ed Hardy Premium Beer scored one point lower on BeerAdvisor than the beer that shall not be named, so I was literally preparing myself for the worst.

The Ed Hardy website states that this beer is a "drink for celebrities", it then proceeds to name drop a few B-listers from the mid-nineties who apparently 'follow' the beverage. Well, if Britney Spears drinks it, that must mean something. Right?

It seems as if Ed Hardy put exactly the same amount of thought into its beer label as they did their "premium" clothing line. The box is just a tiger face that made both Mike and I think of that cologne "Sex Panther" from the movie Anchor Man. Because that's exactly what I want to think about when I buy a beer. Perfume. The box offers no other information, other than the requirement of informing me it is beer, and telling me that there are 12 of them in there. I'm still not 100% sure where this beer comes from, there was a website saying it is brewed by the same people who make Tecate, but that's not true. Although it does come from Mexico, it is distributed through a New York company. That's the best I could come up with.

Anyway, on to the pour. The beer is highly carbonated, but turns flat quickly. It has a sweet smell, but much to my surprise, and sadly my delight, very little flavor. It coats the mouth, but not in the sticky sweet way a lot of cheap American Adjunct Lagers do. Mike was a lot more critical of the beer than I was, mostly because what he tasted as a strong rotten vegetable flavor, I only tasted as a mild rotten vegetable flavor. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good, and I will never drink it again, but it wasn't the worst. 

I give it a low D rating, just a hair above a D-. Not even if you were watching Jersey Shore would this be an appropriate beverage choice.