Second verse, same as the first!

So, I planned on looking back at my early 2011 posts, and using them to illustrate how much I've changed this year, and BOY was I disappointed. I'm still an adult non-student who wears cat-hair shirts to the grocery store to buy cheap beer in the middle of the afternoon, except now I'm unemployed, which is just the icing on the shit cake. I still dress like an old man and expect people to think I'm cute, and I still may or may not be retarded.

Although it was not an excellent year for personal growth, a lot of good has come from 2011. I joined an improv group (www.blacktopcomedy.com go see it, its fantastic), started writing stand-up material (as of two days ago), I bought a car (haggled the SHIT out of the dealer, cried, pitched a fit, and now I can never go back there). I watched a record number of movies in theaters this year: Jane Eyre, Super 8, Bridesmaids, Source Code, Midnight in Paris, The Muppets, and tonight we're going to see TinTin in 3D! I also ate a record number of Papa Murphy's pizzas (an average of one every 2.5 weeks).

Looking back in the year in posts, I am sad that I accidentally abandoned (read: forgot about) my Gross Food Photography project. The Calimonter was such a disgusting gem. I also completely forgot about my Facebook page, and it got archived. Also, I forgot about my childhood bank account, which had 25 cents in it, and was closed for inactivity. I grieved over that for about six straight minutes. I'm going to try not to forget so much in 2012.


On this day last year, I requested "more of the same", and although I didn't really get that, I can't complain. For 2012 however, I request money. Cold, hard cash. And a lot of it.

Awkward Out-takes and Bathroom Blogging

After trying to record a video blog post for over an hour, and getting really frustrated with the process, this was the only thing I came up with that was even remotely funny to me:

Awkward Out-take from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

But, seeing as I'm trying to update more frequently, here is an actual video post:

Look! I'm in a Bathroom! from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Facebook Foodie

Its that time again. Back to school (okay, so I'm like a month late, but I needed time to build material). Back to posting compulsively on Facebook about how you spent your day.

So, you made dinner for your boyfriend (who you call 'hubby' which is so much less cute than it is sad), and regardless of the fact the meal is bathed in cheese, and is completely unrecognizable as food, you have taken a picture of it and posted it on Facebook. It must be the cold weather that has driven us all indoors and caused this sudden surge in food photography, but it makes me realize that I am just an amateur in the art of gross food photos, and you, Facebook food photographer, are the true master.

In the spirit of lists...

Here is a short list of things currently erking me:

The buzzword 'clean coal' -- Coal is not clean. Quit calling it clean coal.

Co-workers who endlessly remind me I'm going to die alone. -- Just because you hate your husband, and dream of him being killed in 'tragic' 'accidents' so you can benefit from his life insurance, doesn't mean I should get married. Actually, that's another reason I shouldn't.

Facebook For all the same reasons I listed a few posts ago, plus these:
People who post requesting that people to copy and paste what they've just posted. I wont. So fuck you.

People who post a totally black and white holier-than-thou statements about our society and how it needs learn to be peaceful or forgiving or open minded. It makes me want to punch them in their big gay face and then not feel sorry about it.

Teen-aged angst, coming back as nostalgia -- Brought to you by the death of J.D. Salinger.


And finally... ex-bosses who won't send you your W-2s so you have to wait to file your taxes --When she knows good and well that filing my taxes is the highlight of my month.


Wait, I have one more: filing my taxes being the highlight of my month.

Dear Facebook,

You are making people into liars.

Well, maybe that's too strong. You're more enabling people who are prone to lying to do so more freely.

You know that personality type that is always trying to one-up you? The person that, when you cook dinner for your family, they just cooked dinner for a soup kitchen? Or when you're excited because you just became an aunt for the first time, they're more excited about the fact that their Godchild was just nominated Soldier of the Year. And its exponential, and they can't stop. They have a problem. Well, thanks a lot, Facebook, because you just made that person a thousand times more annoying.

I'll admit that I post what I'm doing on facebook-- almost daily. Where I'm going, what room in my house I'm cleaning; but that annoying one-upper is posting hourly. And much like real life, they're posting about stuff that never really happened.

Other than one time where I outright asked one of my friends how the 5-K went, and they admitted they slept in, I don't exactly have proof-- but I feel I have the makings of solid evidence. For example: You are not doing your grad-school homework. You're on Facebook. I'm not even convinced that the Community College of Vermont offers a long-distance grad program, but thats a different issue. And I have an unrealistic number of friends who go to the gym, and THEN go running. Really? You're at the gym, then running?-- Funny, because 12 minutes after you posted "Running" you posted "Whipping up some homemade hummus. YUM! ;)".
And then there's the 'super woman' post. The: "Just got home for work: crockpot boiling, cookies baking!! Cleaned the bathroom, finished my core thesis, and about to go for a 3 mile run before starting another knitting project tonight!! I <3 Life "

I think you love Lie.