The road to Hell

I spend a pretty decent amount of time at work being belittled by the general public, I really don't know why it still bothers me so much. I mean, I do the job of a seventeen year old high school student, but do people have to rub it in all the time? Isn't that in itself enough? Of course not.
Recently, a woman came in for an appointment, and she was blatantly ignoring everything I was saying to her. She hardly spoke to me while I was trying to do her pre-testing. I asked her to have a seat, and she just stood there, waiting for the doctor. But the doctor was going to be a few minutes, so I insisted she have a seat, and she wouldn't. People think that just because I work in retail, I'm a second class citizen. Or because they've got a PhD in some obscure subject they can treat me like crap or pretend I'm invisible. F them. After she was finished with her exam, I was asked to help her with her glasses, and, wouldn't you know it, she's a deaf lady.

So, I'm really making strides in purchasing my reserved seat in Hell.

Reversed Racism

Earlier this week one of my Asian co-workers reminded me to follow up with the patient I'd been helping earlier. Except I hadn't helped anyone earlier; I had just signed onto my shift. She thought she was talking to my other blonde co-worker. I was finally able to shout, "You people think we all look alike, don't you!" without irony.

Wait. Theres more.

At my new job, I spend a good chunk of my day working in retail. Which, if you didn't already know, means that I deserve about the same amount of respect you'd give a used Kleenex. At least thats the case in Davis.

But its not like the people don't care about anything around here. At the very least, they care a lot about looking like they care a lot. They are, after all, wearing a bracelet that shows they donated a dollar to help provide clean water to a village in Africa. But that doesn't mean they'll look me in the face.

And to be fair, not everyone around here is like that, even. Some people's condescending nature is so deeply embedded that they don't even know that they're being condescending. For example: Without fail, at some point during my work day-- usually immediately after a customer finds out I'm a college graduate, and not just some trashy bum(although let it be known that there is no trash in Davis. We all recycle)-- I get "the look". The "what did you do so wrong in your life that you ended up here?" look. Which is suppose to be sympathy, but its like going to the Zoo and pitying the monkeys. You don't actually feel bad for those monkeys, but you want people to think you do; you want the monkeys to think you do. The truth is, you love seeing the monkeys there in their cages, throwing feces. It makes you feel good about yourself. You hardly ever throw feces.


This week, I had a guy tell me that he used to be a construction worker, but now he's an undergraduate, studying English. I said, "I have my Bachelors in English. Looking at me is kind of like looking into the future. All of this could be yours." And he gave me a look like that was the worst thing I ever could have said to him.

There is nothing funny about my job

Why do educated people have to be so serious all the time? At my last job, if a man fell slow-motion slip-and-slide style off of a rolling chair, I would have laughed it off, helped him up, and moved on. When it happens at my current job, the guy alludes to a law suit. Don't get my wrong; I still laughed, but the law suit thing made it way darker. Its like people around here are trying to murder my fun.

Everyone I bring into the exam room looks at me like I've got a God damned parrot on my shoulder. Except theres a woman in town who walks around with an actual parrot on her shoulder, and she gets more respect than I do. At the risk of sounding like a petite blonde Rodney Dangerfield, ... I don't even have to say it. Just imagine a petite, blonde Rodney Dangerfield, and you'll begin to understand why no one respects me.

And I know you educated people were told at some point in your life that there are no such thing as stupid questions, and although that might be true, it doesn't mean your questions aren't wasting my time. I mean, lets be realistic here, I have the responsibilities of a Gap employee, do you really have to know what my certifications are? Stop asking questions.

Lie to Make Friends

Here is the second of two Video Blog posts.

Lie to Make Friends on Vimeo.

Welcome to the World of Video

Here is my very first Video Blog entry. I know I can't stop making weird faces, just be nice.



The Truth about Teleconferencing from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Say what?

Even though I was only unemployed for a month, I quickly forgot how much work it is to roll out of bed at 8am and do something other than watch Will and Grace reruns all morning. At work, I'm expected to be nice, and wear pants-- at the same time, when everybody knows I'm nicest without pants.

I'm learning what a struggle it is to work in Northern California. The language barrier is daunting. And I'm not talking about the English to Spanish thing; I mean no one understands a G.D. word that comes out of my mouth. I talk too fast, and the only time I end a sentence in the form of a question is when I'm asking a question. I have to curb my use of sarcasm, since it apparently hasn't arrived to California yet and I don't want to scare people. And every time I say 'wicked' or 'awesome' someone breaks into a giggle and we loss track of the conversation. At this point I'm taken about as seriously as a chimpanzee dressed in people clothes, which, interestingly enough, on the scale of work-related-respect is just below 'incompetent unpaid intern', but still a notch above 'unmarried woman'. I knew I had a problem when my co-worker, whose third language is English, was asked to talk to a patient because she is easier to understand than I am.

So, if I haven't been posting as often as I had been, now you know why.

For Sale

I'm giving Ebay a second chance. And here's why:

The short answer is I need money, but nobody likes the short answer. Although, if you happened to like the short answer, you can stop reading now.

As it stands, its fair to equate my current financial situation to the point in BeJeweled2 where you're down to the end and you're about to lose, and the screen is flashing and you're feverishly clicking on the little jewels before time runs out, but it feels like no matter how many jewels you get rid of, you never get any more time. (In continuation of the how to waste time at work topic, Yahoo! Games has some great time wasters) So, that's part of the reason. Secondly, I remembered that story about the guy a few years back who sold all his worldly possessions, right down to his underwear, on Ebay. And I got inspired. I'm prone to being inspired by stories that end in underwear.

So, it just made sense. I'm going to sell as much of my worldly possessions as I can bare to part with, but I'm stopping at underwear. More of this later...

Tolerance

Ever wonder how long your co-workers will allow you to totally slack off after you announce your engagement? The answer is nine days.

Side note

With our Optometrist's recent decision to leave her part time position with us in favor of a full time position at the VA, I've found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Normally in these cases an employee like myself, being cut from five days a week to only two, would be put on unemployment, but my boss has decided it would be financially beneficial to everyone to just keep me on for the next month, since I'm moving to California in August anyway. So, for the next month, I've got to come up with some time wasting activities at work.

I thought coming up with activities to waste time at work would be easy. It should come more naturally to me than working, but its harder than I had anticipated. So far I can recommend the following websites as prime time wasters:

www.fmylife.com
www.textsfromlastnight.com
www.akwardfamilyphotos.com
www.icanhascheezburger.com

Awkward Family Photos has also branched off to www.awkwardfamilypetphotos.com which I don't see much of a point for, seeing as the really great ones are repeats. But if you're in a real pinch to waste time, then go for it.

Other useless time wasters include staples such as: youtube-ing my favorite music videos (Ok Go, anyone?), facebook, and e-mailing people I'd otherwise not.

EDIT: My good friend Steph has brought to my attention the website www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org which is like a time sucking machine, and I thank her for that recommendation.

My Resume

I fail at resume writing. It might be because I don't know why I do the job I do. Or that resumes force me to expose the fact that I'm not qualified to do my job. Or maybe its because none of my career highlights involve working.

So, I created a resume, because I'll by moving in the Fall, and I hope to have a job so I don't starve. And that's just about all my resume says about me. But that's not my fault, those pre-fab websites only give you 35 characters to describe your career goals. I, of course, have to bullshit, because I have no career goals. Except maybe having a career. That's a goal. And aside from that, no one sounds smart in 35 characters or less. "I like job."

I decided when making my resume, I'd use one of those automatic resume builders, where I pretty much just fill in the blanks. But when it asks me to list five things I'm looking for in my new job, I'm stuck. I'm looking for: A paid hour-long lunch, Dental insurance, 8 hour days, and a coffee maker in the break room. That's about it. But no one wants to hear that. People who are hiring want to hear that your excited to work there. That the job means more to you than just a paycheck. That every patient is special, but the truth is, if I didn't need the money, I would not be holding down a 4-year-old, squeezing drops into their eyes while they kick and scream. At least not everyday.

So the work continues on a resume that will make me look smart, but not lofty. Hardworking, but not totally lame. And above all else: Not crazy.

Administrative Professional's Day

Last Wednesday was Administrative Professionals Day, or Secretary's Day, whichever. I work as a receptionist twice a week at our office, so I brought in some doughnuts to celebrate the good job my co-workers do. And if you don't believe that... I brought in some doughnuts because I like doughnuts.
On my way in, my Boss says to me, "Doughnuts? Whats the occasion?" and I tell her that today is Administrative Professionals day, and she scoffs: "That's not a real holiday."

Thanks, Boss. In honor of Administrative Professionals Day, my boss under appreciated me.

A new responsiblity

As I may have mentioned before, after the pregnant girl at work left for maternity leave, I was given all her work. I don't mind really, its not a lot of extra work, but its the work itself that is terrible. Probably the worst, and most morbid, of my hand-me-down jobs is to call people and tell them they have Glaucoma. And to clarify, I don't get to call people and tell them they don't have Glaucoma, another girl gets to do that, I only get to call people when they HAVE glaucoma. I'm like the Grim Reaper of visual acuity. For further clarification the OED describes Glaucoma as the following:

" A disease of the eye, characterized by increased tension of the globe and gradual impairment or loss of vision. "

And its my job to call people and tell them the news. I get a stack every week or so.

I call them at the number they listed for primary source of contact. I recently called a woman while she was working, and she cried. Love my job.

Being old is effortless

While I was at work this week I watched a nice old lady in her eighties struggle to hold one of our instruments with her elderly, mangled, hook-of-a-hand, and as I looked deep into her increasingly frustrated face, I realized that arthritis is really just early-onset riga mortus. And for this woman, it wasn't all that early. And then I took the instrument away, and told her to forget about it. Which I'm sure she did, almost immediately.

In the spirit of lists...

Here is a short list of things currently erking me:

The buzzword 'clean coal' -- Coal is not clean. Quit calling it clean coal.

Co-workers who endlessly remind me I'm going to die alone. -- Just because you hate your husband, and dream of him being killed in 'tragic' 'accidents' so you can benefit from his life insurance, doesn't mean I should get married. Actually, that's another reason I shouldn't.

Facebook For all the same reasons I listed a few posts ago, plus these:
People who post requesting that people to copy and paste what they've just posted. I wont. So fuck you.

People who post a totally black and white holier-than-thou statements about our society and how it needs learn to be peaceful or forgiving or open minded. It makes me want to punch them in their big gay face and then not feel sorry about it.

Teen-aged angst, coming back as nostalgia -- Brought to you by the death of J.D. Salinger.


And finally... ex-bosses who won't send you your W-2s so you have to wait to file your taxes --When she knows good and well that filing my taxes is the highlight of my month.


Wait, I have one more: filing my taxes being the highlight of my month.

This is not in my job discription

Yesterday I had to help a 90-year-old woman to the bathroom, and then into the bathroom, and then onto the toilet. I saw an old ladies cooter. Thats not in my job description.

Today an old man told me he thought my wig looked ridiculous, and I don't wear a wig. I wanted to tell him his tiny body looked ridiculous on his giant bald head, but I figured, with the company downsizing and all, I shouldn't press my luck.

Office Christmas Party

I didn't go to mine. I was encouraged to go, because it was open bar (still not completely sure what my co-workers meant by " What do you mean you're going?? You have to! Its open bar!"), but that was exactly the reason I didn't go.

Let me explain. Its not like I'm not easily persuaded by an open bar, or I don't like my co-workers, but sometimes you've got to make the right decision for the greater good. And being the youngest employee of an otherwise middle-aged company is hard. You've got a job to do- and not just your actual job- you've got a reputation to withhold. For starters, you're fun. And cool. And you can drink a ton and wake up the next day unscathed. And just because all those things are true- just because I can drink a ton- doesn't mean I can control myself afterwards.

Case and point: A friend of mine who also happens to be the youngest employee at his company, and yet despite efforts to prevent embarrassing work experiences, continues to attend office parties.

Last year, he went to his office Christmas party and after hitting the open bar, he commented to his boss that his credit card company was "Harder to get rid of than a dead hooker". So of course, this year, wasn't going to let that happen. .. Until the CEO of the company suggested they do shots.

Side note: Shots are every could-be-party-disaster's weakness. We can't say no. Sort of like how vampires can only enter your home if invited. If its offered, we've got to take it.

So, a few shots later, he's laughing and joking with his bosses, and his boss comments that he likes his hat. So he says "Yeah, a lot of people say it makes me look gay. But I figure it couldn't make me look any gayer than the gay sex does."

I'd be surprised if his girlfriend lets him go next year.

I love my job.

Today:

An old man with Parkinson's yelled at me to go get him some common sense. In all seriousness.

I was looking through a patient's chart after one of the tests came back a little strange, and I found out he had Glaucoma. And then he found out he had Glaucoma by my saying "Does anyone else in your family have Glaucoma?"

A patient shit themselves during an exam. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.

A co-worked harassed me about how I don't respect the tradition and sanctity of marriage because I'm not married. Because I'm twenty-three years old and STILL not married. Darn me, and my liberal spinster ways. Its not my fault you knocked up your girlfriend in college.

Thanks for the input

Today was "Tell the tech how to do her job" day at the office. If I had known in advance, I would have called in sick.

An old man says to me, "I think you're getting entirely too close to my eye. But I'm not trying to tell you how to do you job..." Only... I think he was trying to tell me how to do my job.

See, and the thing that really rings me out is that I was testing the pressure inside of his eye, which requires me to touch his eye. So yes. I was extremely close to his eye. So close that I was touching it. But you've got to touch it to test the pressure. So shut up.

Caution

I've been having a hard time getting dressed recently. Its getting colder, and my summer clothes aren't really reasonable, but my winter clothes are driving me crazy. While in storage over the summer, my entire wardrobe shrunk. Like magic or something. All my clothes from last season are tight on me. So,because I can't afford go out and get new clothes, I've had to get creative as I try to find outfits for work. Last Monday was a failed attempt. I tried to go for a sort of loose top with a tank top under it, to cover my middle parts the best I could. Except my tank top kept riding up in the back, and my baggy shirt kept slipping down in the front. You've heard of casual Friday? Well, this was more like, Dress like a whore Monday.

Despite the slight "Northern Exposure" I was toting all day, I thought I pulled it off. 'It' being the hiding of the post-summer bulge. To test how well I did, I fished.

"I haven't felt very good about myself recently." I said with a frown, as I led my boyfriend down a fatal path. I pulled at my shirt-- a blatant hint! Without looking at me, hopefully without thinking, he said,

"You should try running."

Stay tuned for my next few posts which will undoubtedly involve dieting.