Year End Report:

Google Analytics gives me a lot of stats that are completely not useful to me, but I still find it interesting, because they're about me.

For example, I had 2501 visitors this year on the blog, 400 more visitors than last year, 613 unique visitors, twice as many as last year, and on average, people spent less than a minute on the site, which is actually way less than they spent on the site last year on average, suggesting that a lot more people are finding my webpage for the first time, but then instantly realizing they're in the wrong place. 

What were these people searching for? Well, that's where my second edition of  "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" comes in. Here are my top ten winners of 2011 (for the record, because thanks to google analytics I have a record, I had 99 absolute zingers to choose from), in no particular order:

1. Stalking Cartoonists Makes Me Pee Myself
2. Other People Don't Think I'm Funny
3. Adult Braces Site: Blogspot.com
4. Coors Light Cake
5. Funny Maths Exam Answers Calculator
6. Kimwaw Corn Cakes
7. My Mom Makes Me Wear Diapers Because I Got The Runs On A Car Trip
8. Stuff to Confuzz Your Friends
9. Silver the 85 Year Very Oldman

and finally, last, and most personally hurtful:

10. Ugly Little Blonde Girl With Braces and Glasses

Maybe I did learn something from Google Analytics... I talk about cake way more than I thought, and the internet in comprised of a bunch of idiot perverts.

Second verse, same as the first!

So, I planned on looking back at my early 2011 posts, and using them to illustrate how much I've changed this year, and BOY was I disappointed. I'm still an adult non-student who wears cat-hair shirts to the grocery store to buy cheap beer in the middle of the afternoon, except now I'm unemployed, which is just the icing on the shit cake. I still dress like an old man and expect people to think I'm cute, and I still may or may not be retarded.

Although it was not an excellent year for personal growth, a lot of good has come from 2011. I joined an improv group (www.blacktopcomedy.com go see it, its fantastic), started writing stand-up material (as of two days ago), I bought a car (haggled the SHIT out of the dealer, cried, pitched a fit, and now I can never go back there). I watched a record number of movies in theaters this year: Jane Eyre, Super 8, Bridesmaids, Source Code, Midnight in Paris, The Muppets, and tonight we're going to see TinTin in 3D! I also ate a record number of Papa Murphy's pizzas (an average of one every 2.5 weeks).

Looking back in the year in posts, I am sad that I accidentally abandoned (read: forgot about) my Gross Food Photography project. The Calimonter was such a disgusting gem. I also completely forgot about my Facebook page, and it got archived. Also, I forgot about my childhood bank account, which had 25 cents in it, and was closed for inactivity. I grieved over that for about six straight minutes. I'm going to try not to forget so much in 2012.


On this day last year, I requested "more of the same", and although I didn't really get that, I can't complain. For 2012 however, I request money. Cold, hard cash. And a lot of it.

I take it back.

I need to retract a statement I made earlier in regards to the worst beer I have ever had. I was wrong, Silver Stallion has been stripped of the title of worse-beer-ever. Don't get me wrong, its still a terrible, terrible beer. But it isn't the worst.

This review is of the actual worst beer I have ever had: Game-Day Ice. And I wasn't expecting a lot from the 7-11 produced sister beer of Game Day Light, at $2.99 for a twelve pack, and the notorious 'ice beer' label, it was cringe-inducing before I even cracked open the can.

The beer had color; a dark yellow, but absolutely no head. It was as flat as apple juice. In fact, we continued to compare it to apple juice throughout the taste-test. It smelled like a rotten fruit factory, and who the hell would manufacture rotten fruit? The taste was like corn syrupy garbage. It stuck in your mouth like peanut butter. Clearly the phrase "premium brewed" means nothing. Mike managed to take one sip. I drank 3 cans, because, well, we had 12. As I was drinking, I continued to search for adjectives to describe this  terrible beer, but it was decided one dimensional.

So the taste was terrible, and the smell was rank, but Game-Day Ice didn't clinch the title of Worst Beer Ever until 5am the next morning, when I started what would prove to be a seven hour vomit-fest. I threw-up everything I had ever eaten in my entire life, violently. I couldn't keep down ice, which I found someone ironic. Maybe more unfortunate than ironic... Anyway, Game-Day Ice is now a swear word in our house. It should not be consumed by anyone, its not even fit to be cooked with.

Game-Day Ice, Earning my lowest beer rating ever: F

Nobody likes a winner

I've gotten pretty good at picking out mediocre beers to review, and my most recent choice, Olympia, had real promise.

Retro label, limited information on the box, tell-nothing slogan, $7.99 for a twelve pack; All the signs were there.

Olympia is an American Adjunct Lager, which is quickly becoming my favorite type of beer to review. In the back of my head, I'm always comparing American Lagers to Budweiser, and I'm learning that its harder to emulate Budweiser than you might think; most of the time you end up with skunky fart juice.

However I admit, the box is pretty cool, in a stuff-you-find-in-your-grandparent's-basement kind of way. It looks like a failed attempt at Halloween-themed Poland Springs campaign. And the slogan, "It's the Water" apparently refers to the quality of water used in the beer making process, but I had to go online and find that out. 

On to the review. My first observation was that Olympia had remarkably rich color, head, and lacing. Far better than your average American Lager.

If you recall my last review of Silver Stallion, it was the worst beer I have ever reviewed, and possibly the worst I've ever tasted. So, I was a little hesitant to try something new. I allowed my fiancee to take the first sip, after which he remarked,  "It's beer." He's my junior reviewer. 

It's a good beer, not a great beer, but even so I'm at a loss for words. I've never had an opportunity to review a good beer before. Its got an enjoyable light taste that doesn't turn rank when it warms. Maybe there's something in the water afterall. 

I give Olympia B- within its field. I prefer it over Budweiser, merely for its hipster appeal. There. I said it.  

A Beer in Review

I have been writing reviews of mediocre beer for over a year now. Not as often as I would like to, but often enough to see a trend. I drink I lot of random crap.

Today we will be looking at Silver Stallion. Found at the same discount grocery store that introduced me such gems as Hamm's and  Tecate, Silver Stallion is an American lager brewed by City Brewing Company, the brewery that is responsible for Game-Day Light. Now, Silver Stallion was $2.99 for a six pack and that is twice the price of the Game-Day Light, so one can assume that it would be twice as good. One would be wrong.

An entire post could be devoted just to the labeling on the can, but I'll keep it brief.

First of all, the lettering is reminiscent of bottle of blue Gatorade. Secondly, the title Silver Stallion sounds more like a pet-name that you give your geriatric lover than is does an American lager. Although interesting enough, the beer is equally gag-inducing. Beer companies love referencing horses in their name, remember Caballo Extra? If I ever make a beer, I'm going to call it Donkey Punch.

As the label indicates, it is best served cold, very cold. In fact, it could probably benefit from a couple of ice cubes. It happens to be the exact color that your pee is the morning after you drink heavily, a phenomenon that I fondly refer to as the "Betsy-Wetsy Effect". The beer smells like apple cider vinegar mixed with farts, and tastes like warm Coors Light. On a more positive note, its highly carbonated.

That is the only positive note.

Awkward things to say to a stranger

Part II of the endless series "Awkward things to say to a stranger" Front Desk Edition!

A man walks in and asked if his wife had been in yet.

"Nope! You beat her! I mean, you got here first. I don't mean you beat her. There's no way I'd know that. I haven't even seen her."

Awkward things to say to a stranger

In conjunction with my future segment called, "Weird things I say at an Interview" I present to you,

Awkward Things to Say to a Stranger, eleven-year-old girl edition:

"Your family lives over on Halifax? That's a nice neighborhood. Someday I hope to make enough money to rent a home out there. I'm just kidding. That'll never happen."

What was more awkward was that the joke totally landed,  and she let out this ridiculous single "HA!". I finally found my target market.