This is not in my job discription

Yesterday I had to help a 90-year-old woman to the bathroom, and then into the bathroom, and then onto the toilet. I saw an old ladies cooter. Thats not in my job description.

Today an old man told me he thought my wig looked ridiculous, and I don't wear a wig. I wanted to tell him his tiny body looked ridiculous on his giant bald head, but I figured, with the company downsizing and all, I shouldn't press my luck.

Office Christmas Party

I didn't go to mine. I was encouraged to go, because it was open bar (still not completely sure what my co-workers meant by " What do you mean you're going?? You have to! Its open bar!"), but that was exactly the reason I didn't go.

Let me explain. Its not like I'm not easily persuaded by an open bar, or I don't like my co-workers, but sometimes you've got to make the right decision for the greater good. And being the youngest employee of an otherwise middle-aged company is hard. You've got a job to do- and not just your actual job- you've got a reputation to withhold. For starters, you're fun. And cool. And you can drink a ton and wake up the next day unscathed. And just because all those things are true- just because I can drink a ton- doesn't mean I can control myself afterwards.

Case and point: A friend of mine who also happens to be the youngest employee at his company, and yet despite efforts to prevent embarrassing work experiences, continues to attend office parties.

Last year, he went to his office Christmas party and after hitting the open bar, he commented to his boss that his credit card company was "Harder to get rid of than a dead hooker". So of course, this year, wasn't going to let that happen. .. Until the CEO of the company suggested they do shots.

Side note: Shots are every could-be-party-disaster's weakness. We can't say no. Sort of like how vampires can only enter your home if invited. If its offered, we've got to take it.

So, a few shots later, he's laughing and joking with his bosses, and his boss comments that he likes his hat. So he says "Yeah, a lot of people say it makes me look gay. But I figure it couldn't make me look any gayer than the gay sex does."

I'd be surprised if his girlfriend lets him go next year.

Snow Days that should have been...

All but one of our afternoon patients cancelled today because of the weather. The 3 o'clock patient decided he'd weather the storm. So, since 10:30 this morning, we have had nothing to do.

It is currently 1:45.


I just overheard one receptionist say to the other, "I spy... with my little eye.... something that is.... bored."

Dear Facebook,

You are making people into liars.

Well, maybe that's too strong. You're more enabling people who are prone to lying to do so more freely.

You know that personality type that is always trying to one-up you? The person that, when you cook dinner for your family, they just cooked dinner for a soup kitchen? Or when you're excited because you just became an aunt for the first time, they're more excited about the fact that their Godchild was just nominated Soldier of the Year. And its exponential, and they can't stop. They have a problem. Well, thanks a lot, Facebook, because you just made that person a thousand times more annoying.

I'll admit that I post what I'm doing on facebook-- almost daily. Where I'm going, what room in my house I'm cleaning; but that annoying one-upper is posting hourly. And much like real life, they're posting about stuff that never really happened.

Other than one time where I outright asked one of my friends how the 5-K went, and they admitted they slept in, I don't exactly have proof-- but I feel I have the makings of solid evidence. For example: You are not doing your grad-school homework. You're on Facebook. I'm not even convinced that the Community College of Vermont offers a long-distance grad program, but thats a different issue. And I have an unrealistic number of friends who go to the gym, and THEN go running. Really? You're at the gym, then running?-- Funny, because 12 minutes after you posted "Running" you posted "Whipping up some homemade hummus. YUM! ;)".
And then there's the 'super woman' post. The: "Just got home for work: crockpot boiling, cookies baking!! Cleaned the bathroom, finished my core thesis, and about to go for a 3 mile run before starting another knitting project tonight!! I <3 Life "

I think you love Lie.

A few things I've noticed about observational humor...

According to Wikipedia, the source of all unscholarly knowledge, Observational Comedy is described as, "a style of humor based on making remarks about commonplace aspects of everyday life." And following that description, the website gives a list of both American and British comedians that have made that style of comedy popular. I hold those comedians directly responsible for much of my adolescent awkwardness, and the misery I have to endure every time I am rhetorically asked "whats with" a utilitarian object.

I think Observational Comedy, or OC as it will from now on be referred to, has been done. Its been overused, and needs to be retired, or at least put on vacation for an undetermined amount of time, along with 'That's what she said'; 'Wasn't that your nickname in high school?'; 'Oh, burn'; 'Zing'; 'No Homo'; and many other expressions that could have been used for good, but instead were quickly overused for evil.

While I'm at it, let me just point out that I also include Lady Gaga in that list.

I focus mainly on Observational Comedy because despite being used primarily to note commonly shared experiences, at this point OC almost always misses it's mark. Because, when someone starts an observation with "Have you ever noticed..." someone else will, without fail, say "No." For two reasons. One: because all the really obvious OC has been done: all social situations, all types of people, all condiments, all restaurant chains, everything. So by the time OC got down to the 'everyman' it sounded something like, "Ever notice how rich housewives from Connecticut lose their shit over cranberry mayonnaise?". The second reason people will say "No" is because people are fed-up with OC, and would prefer to be unnecessarily argumentative with a humor based on the listeners compliance with a common idea.

OC has made everyone a comedian, the problem being: not everyone is a comedian. It is not a universal human trait. I had a girl say to me, while playing a game of twenty questions, "What is a breadbox anyway? And who uses a box for bread. I mean, really." Long story short-- the game became a half hour conversation about shit no one cares about only to end with everyone feeling slightly bitter, and on top of it all, no one ever figured out what she was thinking of.

At the risk of using one of the should-be banned over-used phrases, we have all become 'That Guy'. We're all becoming the guy in your office that wont stop 'Thats what she said'ing side conversations. And if 'That Guy' 'Zing's you one more time you'll stab him with a pen--'No Homo'.

Its gotten to the point where we've figured out how to act like lofty yet pointless pontificating drunks without the drinking. Way to beat the system, us.

To conclude, it's no longer funny and it needs to stop.

Giving Thanks for Microsoft Paint

I think I may have a future in marketing.

Did we ever find out what was eating Gilbert Grape?

It has been brought to my attention that I may be a retard.

I can't say that there weren't signs: People calling me adorable, or patting me in the head like a child, when in reality I'm an average sized human being and lack any adorable traits. Or My boss congratulated me on a job well done when the job I did wasn't done very well. Or My boyfriend constantly calling me a retard.

What if everyone is in on it? My parents, and my 'friends'; I graduated college a semester early-- but what if I didn't actually graduate at all? What if I'm not actually getting paid money at my job right now, but sparkly stickers? What if I'm not even typing right now, but instead drawing pictures of kitty cats on an old white board?

But, of course, if I was retarded, I would know. Wouldn't I? But then, That girl in my high school, the one with downs syndrome who thought my female friend was a boy and would call her 'handsome' and give her pictures of them holding hands-- she didn't know. She thought she was Normal.

But... All that being considered... things are going pretty well for good ol' RetardKim, so, I'm not about to rock the boat.