Year End Report:

Google Analytics gives me a lot of stats that are completely not useful to me, but I still find it interesting, because they're about me.

For example, I had 2501 visitors this year on the blog, 400 more visitors than last year, 613 unique visitors, twice as many as last year, and on average, people spent less than a minute on the site, which is actually way less than they spent on the site last year on average, suggesting that a lot more people are finding my webpage for the first time, but then instantly realizing they're in the wrong place. 

What were these people searching for? Well, that's where my second edition of  "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" comes in. Here are my top ten winners of 2011 (for the record, because thanks to google analytics I have a record, I had 99 absolute zingers to choose from), in no particular order:

1. Stalking Cartoonists Makes Me Pee Myself
2. Other People Don't Think I'm Funny
3. Adult Braces Site: Blogspot.com
4. Coors Light Cake
5. Funny Maths Exam Answers Calculator
6. Kimwaw Corn Cakes
7. My Mom Makes Me Wear Diapers Because I Got The Runs On A Car Trip
8. Stuff to Confuzz Your Friends
9. Silver the 85 Year Very Oldman

and finally, last, and most personally hurtful:

10. Ugly Little Blonde Girl With Braces and Glasses

Maybe I did learn something from Google Analytics... I talk about cake way more than I thought, and the internet in comprised of a bunch of idiot perverts.

Second verse, same as the first!

So, I planned on looking back at my early 2011 posts, and using them to illustrate how much I've changed this year, and BOY was I disappointed. I'm still an adult non-student who wears cat-hair shirts to the grocery store to buy cheap beer in the middle of the afternoon, except now I'm unemployed, which is just the icing on the shit cake. I still dress like an old man and expect people to think I'm cute, and I still may or may not be retarded.

Although it was not an excellent year for personal growth, a lot of good has come from 2011. I joined an improv group (www.blacktopcomedy.com go see it, its fantastic), started writing stand-up material (as of two days ago), I bought a car (haggled the SHIT out of the dealer, cried, pitched a fit, and now I can never go back there). I watched a record number of movies in theaters this year: Jane Eyre, Super 8, Bridesmaids, Source Code, Midnight in Paris, The Muppets, and tonight we're going to see TinTin in 3D! I also ate a record number of Papa Murphy's pizzas (an average of one every 2.5 weeks).

Looking back in the year in posts, I am sad that I accidentally abandoned (read: forgot about) my Gross Food Photography project. The Calimonter was such a disgusting gem. I also completely forgot about my Facebook page, and it got archived. Also, I forgot about my childhood bank account, which had 25 cents in it, and was closed for inactivity. I grieved over that for about six straight minutes. I'm going to try not to forget so much in 2012.


On this day last year, I requested "more of the same", and although I didn't really get that, I can't complain. For 2012 however, I request money. Cold, hard cash. And a lot of it.

I take it back.

I need to retract a statement I made earlier in regards to the worst beer I have ever had. I was wrong, Silver Stallion has been stripped of the title of worse-beer-ever. Don't get me wrong, its still a terrible, terrible beer. But it isn't the worst.

This review is of the actual worst beer I have ever had: Game-Day Ice. And I wasn't expecting a lot from the 7-11 produced sister beer of Game Day Light, at $2.99 for a twelve pack, and the notorious 'ice beer' label, it was cringe-inducing before I even cracked open the can.

The beer had color; a dark yellow, but absolutely no head. It was as flat as apple juice. In fact, we continued to compare it to apple juice throughout the taste-test. It smelled like a rotten fruit factory, and who the hell would manufacture rotten fruit? The taste was like corn syrupy garbage. It stuck in your mouth like peanut butter. Clearly the phrase "premium brewed" means nothing. Mike managed to take one sip. I drank 3 cans, because, well, we had 12. As I was drinking, I continued to search for adjectives to describe this  terrible beer, but it was decided one dimensional.

So the taste was terrible, and the smell was rank, but Game-Day Ice didn't clinch the title of Worst Beer Ever until 5am the next morning, when I started what would prove to be a seven hour vomit-fest. I threw-up everything I had ever eaten in my entire life, violently. I couldn't keep down ice, which I found someone ironic. Maybe more unfortunate than ironic... Anyway, Game-Day Ice is now a swear word in our house. It should not be consumed by anyone, its not even fit to be cooked with.

Game-Day Ice, Earning my lowest beer rating ever: F