Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Zeedonka donk.

It's been ages since I made bad choices, So I bought a 4 back of beer for $4.99 because it had a zebra on the bottle. I didn't notice before I brought it home that it was a vanilla pale ale. Never had one before? Thats because they're not real. THAT'S NOT A THING. Either Beer Advocate or  doesn't even have a review of it yet.

Founded in 2010, Ass Kisser Ales are bottled and distributed out of San Jose, California (or maybe Ukiah? idk). At 5% ABV Zeedonka is the lightest of the five beers Ass Kisser offers. AKA promise a small, family owned brewery that uses high quality ingredients and quality craft brewery. And so does Coors, so I'm skeptical.

I was unable to find any reviews online that I really trusted were legit, Except from This is Why I'm Drunk which was a blog I just found, and I LOVE IT.

Served very cold, the pour had moderate carbonation, no lacing, very minimal head and it smelled like a candle. No-- it smelled like, if someone just smoked pot at their mom's house, and then took vanilla scented bathroom spray and just went to town. That's the smell.

It actually would have been not a terrible beer, but the taste of perfume being sprayed into my mouth with every little sip is overwhelming. Larger sips are like taking a bite out of decorative soap.

I'm actually pretty disappointed, its got the earmarks of a bad beer, with its cheeky advertising and limited information, but I took a chance on it. It didn't have the classic rotten vegetable flavor or sweet, sticky lacing, so I have hope for the brewery overall.

Verdict? Bad beer, but I would be really interested in trying their other styles.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

"Its not a beer." The Bloody Caesar

Thank you to Steph and Tim for introducing us to a beverage we otherwise would have never had an opportunity to try.

Breaking the rules a little bit here. This is not a beer and its not bad. But it was super special, so I wanted to write about it anyway. 

Also known as a 'Bloody Caesar', the Caesar was invented in Alberta in 1969, designed as a signature beverage for what later became the Westin Hotel chain. MOTT's Clamato Caesar calls their beverage "Canada's Cocktail", and they mean it: Canadians consume more than 350 million glasses for Caesar a year.

So this is MOTT's canned version of the vodka beverage which is apparently so wildly popular Canada, but I had never even heard of. To be fair, I'm sure that could be said of 90% of the things that are wildly popular in Canada. Without a little investigating, Clamato Caesar could be confused for Budweiser's Clamato beer, but its a vodka beverage, so unlike a Bud Clamato there is no lacing, and no carbonation upon pouring, no gross beer. It didn't taste like blood in my mouth at all; Its more like a juice. It has a smooth spicy flavor that coats the mouth-- in a good way FINALLY- with no bitter aftertaste. I can see why this could be considered a breakfast beverage, or a hangover cure*. It's like a Bloody Mary with balls.  


We attempted to garnish it with the traditional celery and lime (although where the HELL are Canadians getting limes?!?) but they were more of an ocular hazard than than anything. 

Apparently there is a bacon version that is REAL nasty, but this is nothing but nice.  One of my favorite reviews of the bacon version comes from The Thrillist. Check it out, there's an excellent face that brings back memories of The Beer That Shall Not Be Named. And please, someone send me one so I can try it.

* I read an article that said tomato juice helps the body absorb aspirin faster, so science says: Drink Up, You Drunk Slob!

Monday, September 8, 2014

SHOT, the gateway beer

Why do I do this? I probably ask myself this most often when I am about to try a new beer. Its not just about grossing myself out; what interests me is the marketing; who the brewers are vs. who they're trying to be perceived as. I found SHOT EYE FOR AN I at GOBM for 5.99/12pk, so let's review.

First of all, I don't have any idea what "EYE FOR AN I" even means, I don't even want to go there. Let's just all agree that it doesn't make any sense, and move on. Aside from that little head scratcher, the box boasts all sorts of things, "This Ain't Your Dad's Beer"; "Premium" neither statement seems to be based on any reality. SHOT beer, according to a 2013 press release, is being marketed to young adults, 21 - 35 who want to drink, but are not ready to drink the hoppy, craft brews everyday. Its a gateway beer. This is the opposite marketing strategy to beers like Schlitz or PBR, where they're relying very heavily on nostalgia for 'cool factor'. This beer is hoping you'll drink it because it looks new and different. But unfortunately, the design is terrible. It looks like a Halloween beer, black and red label, with a sort of "I'm looking at you through the keyhole of the attic, where I've been kept hostage for the past 11 years" eyeball stamped all over the place. FOR NO REASON. Either they spent way too much time focus grouping this, or none at all. 

If you visit their website (good luck finding it) you will find very little about the beer, actually nothing about the beer, but TONS of opportunities to invest in the company. It reads like a timeshare pitch.

Pours nearly flat.No lacing. It calls itself a Pilsner, but its really just another American Adjunct, and like most American Adjuncts, I suggest NOT pouring into a glasses, so you can avoid having to smell it. Sweet, in a bad way, but it doesn't linger in the mouth very long. Just drink it quickly, is sweetens as it warms. 

There is apparently a "Shot Lyte" which is marketed toward women. I can't wait to see THAT at my local bargain grocery store...

Not terrible. Solid C.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Bad Beer Blogger Blogs Again!!!

First, it was hard to find new bad beers to blog about, then I was lazy, then I was afraid to try new bad beers, then I was lazy again. But now there are a bunch of new beers that look terrible, and I'm interested again. 

Today's bad beer blog is full of 4-for-1 badness.  I present you with:

Tap Room No. 21 - The Gang

A 12 pack purchased for 8 dollars, consisting of four different brews. Remember that baking trick that people do around Christmas, where they make sugar cookie dough, and then they divide it up into small batches, and doctor up the dough so it looks like they've actually made four completely different kinds of cookies? Well, Tap Room No 21 did that with beer. They offer 8 varieties, all of which are pretty much the same. 

Tap Room No 21 is trying desperately to cash in on people's recent interest in Prohibition, suggesting that they were somehow involved. It large letters at the bottom of their website it reads, "Celebrating the Repeal of Prohibition Dec_1933". See what they did there? It APPEARS as if they're saying they were founded in 1933, in reality, they appeared on the scene around 2007, and are distributed by World Brews, the same company responsible for Caballo, Goldmine, Kodiak Ridge Lager, and other countless crimes against humanity. 

Because I do not want to sit here and describe each of these very similar beers for you, I am going to choose the worst. Without question, the worst of the four is the India Pale Ale. It is the worst example of an IPA I have ever tasted. I am tempted to say this beer was mislabeled. It was never meant to be an IPA, it was suppose to be some mixture of pond water and the spit of 100 alcoholics.  

The pour was amber colored, moderately carbonated. It smells like a sweet beer, not like hops at all. The taste was a miserable disappointment, but not a surprise. Thickly coats the mouth with sweet, syrupy beer. A few sips later, it went down the sink. 

Overall, I'd give it a D, because it was truly undrinkable, and not at all worth purchasing. As an IPA it is a solid F.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Tailgate IPA --

I was at my local discount grocery store when I saw that Tailgate had a new beer. Previously, Tailgate was only available in the two varieties: Blacktop Blonde and Hefenweizen. Much to my surprise, it seems as if the company has been so successful that they've produced a third beer. Granted.... it went straight the the discount grocery store... but still. They brewed it. That's something. I give you: Indian Pale Ale.

Available in tall boys, on tap, or as shown, in a six-pack. It was either going to be 'Third times a charm' or 'Three strikes you're out', but it didn't really matter, since I had already committed to buying it anyway.

More surprising than Tailgate producing a third style: the pour had great color and head, with substantial lacing. It looked like real beer!

The hop taste masks the major flaw of the previous two beers, which was the rotten vegetable taste. Its still there and coats the mouth after a few drinks, but the fact that I was able to finish the entire beer was a feat previously unaccomplished.

According to the website, 5% ABV and 44 IBUs. Tailgate's official website brags that the beer pairs well with hot wings, fried food, spicy food, and other beer. They even  posted a link to a IPA coleslaw recipe. But back to that last part... who pairs beer with other beer?! If your beer requires a side of beer, its not good beer!

I don't think it was either a strike or a hit, honestly... if I was going to keep with the baseball metaphors, I'd say it was more of an error that led to a base.

I give it a C-. Nearly undrinkable, but very much an improvement over the previous styles.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Tailgated Again: Blacktop Blonde Edition

Finally, I'm back to reviewing beers that haven't spoiled. They just taste like they have.
This is another beer given to me by my friend Gordon, who I am very close to re-evaluating my friendship status with.

Blacktop Blonde is a cleverly named American Blonde Ale brought to us by Tailgate, the makers of Tailgate Hefeweizen, which I reviewed last year. I was drawn the the beer because, like the beer, I am a blonde, who also happens to be a part of a comedy theater called "Blacktop". And with that stretch to connect, all similarities between me and this beer stop.

Tailgate's cans seriously looks like they were designed by a drunk ten-year-old. The mustard yellow with black and silver details is about as appetizing as the beer that's in it. Maybe they had planned on putting all their effort into the craft brew, and so the marketing budget suffered as a result. Spoiler Alert: They didn't.

On to the pour... it was pretty lack-luster; pale, carbonated, it looked more like a hefeweizen than the Tailgate Hefeweizen did, which was just another reason for concern. It smelled like raspberries, and for a second I though, "huh, thats not terrible" and then the smell turned into sour raspberry farts. Except it didn't taste even as good as that. It was sickeningly sweet tasting. To quote Michael, "God. That. Is. Awful." It made my mouth do an involuntary puckering thing. It had that sharp burning taste that you get if you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth, except I hadn't brushed my teeth.

I actually had two of these, and I will say, its no worse warm than it is cold, so that at least makes it unique. I give it a C-.

Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: Year End Report

I had such a good time looking over information about myself last year that I decided I would do it again. Thanks to Google Analytics I know I had more unique views than last year, and people spent more time viewing each page than in previous years, which I am hoping suggests that more people who visited my site this year were actually looking for me!! Or how to find Kodiak Ridge Beer. Or how to make a Coors Light Cake. 

But anyway, here is "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" 2012 edition:

1. "Girl Beer Blog" -- Just kidding! You DID find what you were looking for!
2. "мексиканское пиво oz" Translates to: Mexican Beer. 
3. "Cynthia Myers" - I'd forgotten I'd even mentioned the 1968 Playboy Playmate
4. Hangovers from not drinking  
5. my burps taste like blood -- gross. 
6. my burps taste like nail polish -- also gross.
7. box of penis -- again, whats wrong with you people?
8. free porn official site - I'm really hoping this person had to search A LOT before finding my page...
9. Lx lodged in your mouth - WTF internet?
10. My mom thinks I make up pain

So, there was a lot of porn related searching there, and I didn't even include to searches with the words "boner" in them. The internet is a sad place. Most of the other searches were how to talk to awkward people, or how to talk to people if your awkward. My advice: Don't try. Just blog about it. People love that.