Zeedonka donk.

It's been ages since I made bad choices, So I bought a 4 back of beer for $4.99 because it had a zebra on the bottle. I didn't notice before I brought it home that it was a vanilla pale ale. Never had one before? Thats because they're not real. THAT'S NOT A THING. Either Beer Advocate or  doesn't even have a review of it yet.

Founded in 2010, Ass Kisser Ales are bottled and distributed out of San Jose, California (or maybe Ukiah? idk). At 5% ABV Zeedonka is the lightest of the five beers Ass Kisser offers. AKA promise a small, family owned brewery that uses high quality ingredients and quality craft brewery. And so does Coors, so I'm skeptical.

I was unable to find any reviews online that I really trusted were legit, Except from This is Why I'm Drunk which was a blog I just found, and I LOVE IT.





Served very cold, the pour had moderate carbonation, no lacing, very minimal head and it smelled like a candle. No-- it smelled like, if someone just smoked pot at their mom's house, and then took vanilla scented bathroom spray and just went to town. That's the smell.

It actually would have been not a terrible beer, but the taste of perfume being sprayed into my mouth with every little sip is overwhelming. Larger sips are like taking a bite out of decorative soap.

I'm actually pretty disappointed, its got the earmarks of a bad beer, with its cheeky advertising and limited information, but I took a chance on it. It didn't have the classic rotten vegetable flavor or sweet, sticky lacing, so I have hope for the brewery overall.

Verdict? Bad beer, but I would be really interested in trying their other styles.

SHOT, the gateway beer

Why do I do this? I probably ask myself this most often when I am about to try a new beer. Its not just about grossing myself out; what interests me is the marketing; who the brewers are vs. who they're trying to be perceived as. I found SHOT EYE FOR AN I at GOBM for 5.99/12pk, so let's review.

First of all, I don't have any idea what "EYE FOR AN I" even means, I don't even want to go there. Let's just all agree that it doesn't make any sense, and move on. Aside from that little head scratcher, the box boasts all sorts of things, "This Ain't Your Dad's Beer"; "Premium" neither statement seems to be based on any reality. SHOT beer, according to a 2013 press release, is being marketed to young adults, 21 - 35 who want to drink, but are not ready to drink the hoppy, craft brews everyday. Its a gateway beer. This is the opposite marketing strategy to beers like Schlitz or PBR, where they're relying very heavily on nostalgia for 'cool factor'. This beer is hoping you'll drink it because it looks new and different. But unfortunately, the design is terrible. It looks like a Halloween beer, black and red label, with a sort of "I'm looking at you through the keyhole of the attic, where I've been kept hostage for the past 11 years" eyeball stamped all over the place. FOR NO REASON. Either they spent way too much time focus grouping this, or none at all. 

If you visit their website (good luck finding it) you will find very little about the beer, actually nothing about the beer, but TONS of opportunities to invest in the company. It reads like a timeshare pitch.

Pours nearly flat.No lacing. It calls itself a Pilsner, but its really just another American Adjunct, and like most American Adjuncts, I suggest NOT pouring into a glasses, so you can avoid having to smell it. Sweet, in a bad way, but it doesn't linger in the mouth very long. Just drink it quickly, is sweetens as it warms. 

There is apparently a "Shot Lyte" which is marketed toward women. I can't wait to see THAT at my local bargain grocery store...

Not terrible. Solid C.

The Bad Beer Blogger Blogs Again!!!

First, it was hard to find new bad beers to blog about, then I was lazy, then I was afraid to try new bad beers, then I was lazy again. But now there are a bunch of new beers that look terrible, and I'm interested again. 

Today's bad beer blog is full of 4-for-1 badness.  I present you with:

Tap Room No. 21 - The Gang

A 12 pack purchased for 8 dollars, consisting of four different brews. Remember that baking trick that people do around Christmas, where they make sugar cookie dough, and then they divide it up into small batches, and doctor up the dough so it looks like they've actually made four completely different kinds of cookies? Well, Tap Room No 21 did that with beer. They offer 8 varieties, all of which are pretty much the same. 

Tap Room No 21 is trying desperately to cash in on people's recent interest in Prohibition, suggesting that they were somehow involved. It large letters at the bottom of their website it reads, "Celebrating the Repeal of Prohibition Dec_1933". See what they did there? It APPEARS as if they're saying they were founded in 1933, in reality, they appeared on the scene around 2007, and are distributed by World Brews, the same company responsible for Caballo, Goldmine, Kodiak Ridge Lager, and other countless crimes against humanity. 

Because I do not want to sit here and describe each of these very similar beers for you, I am going to choose the worst. Without question, the worst of the four is the India Pale Ale. It is the worst example of an IPA I have ever tasted. I am tempted to say this beer was mislabeled. It was never meant to be an IPA, it was suppose to be some mixture of pond water and the spit of 100 alcoholics.  

The pour was amber colored, moderately carbonated. It smells like a sweet beer, not like hops at all. The taste was a miserable disappointment, but not a surprise. Thickly coats the mouth with sweet, syrupy beer. A few sips later, it went down the sink. 

Overall, I'd give it a D, because it was truly undrinkable, and not at all worth purchasing. As an IPA it is a solid F.

Tailgate IPA --

I was at my local discount grocery store when I saw that Tailgate had a new beer. Previously, Tailgate was only available in the two varieties: Blacktop Blonde and Hefenweizen. Much to my surprise, it seems as if the company has been so successful that they've produced a third beer. Granted.... it went straight the the discount grocery store... but still. They brewed it. That's something. I give you: Indian Pale Ale.

Available in tall boys, on tap, or as shown, in a six-pack. It was either going to be 'Third times a charm' or 'Three strikes you're out', but it didn't really matter, since I had already committed to buying it anyway.


More surprising than Tailgate producing a third style: the pour had great color and head, with substantial lacing. It looked like real beer!

The hop taste masks the major flaw of the previous two beers, which was the rotten vegetable taste. Its still there and coats the mouth after a few drinks, but the fact that I was able to finish the entire beer was a feat previously unaccomplished.

According to the website, 5% ABV and 44 IBUs. Tailgate's official website brags that the beer pairs well with hot wings, fried food, spicy food, and other beer. They even  posted a link to a IPA coleslaw recipe. But back to that last part... who pairs beer with other beer?! If your beer requires a side of beer, its not good beer!

I don't think it was either a strike or a hit, honestly... if I was going to keep with the baseball metaphors, I'd say it was more of an error that led to a base.


I give it a C-. Nearly undrinkable, but very much an improvement over the previous styles.

Tailgated Again: Blacktop Blonde Edition

Finally, I'm back to reviewing beers that haven't spoiled. They just taste like they have.
This is another beer given to me by my friend Gordon, who I am very close to re-evaluating my friendship status with.

Blacktop Blonde is a cleverly named American Blonde Ale brought to us by Tailgate, the makers of Tailgate Hefeweizen, which I reviewed last year. I was drawn the the beer because, like the beer, I am a blonde, who also happens to be a part of a comedy theater called "Blacktop". And with that stretch to connect, all similarities between me and this beer stop.

Tailgate's cans seriously looks like they were designed by a drunk ten-year-old. The mustard yellow with black and silver details is about as appetizing as the beer that's in it. Maybe they had planned on putting all their effort into the craft brew, and so the marketing budget suffered as a result. Spoiler Alert: They didn't.

On to the pour... it was pretty lack-luster; pale, carbonated, it looked more like a hefeweizen than the Tailgate Hefeweizen did, which was just another reason for concern. It smelled like raspberries, and for a second I though, "huh, thats not terrible" and then the smell turned into sour raspberry farts. Except it didn't taste even as good as that. It was sickeningly sweet tasting. To quote Michael, "God. That. Is. Awful." It made my mouth do an involuntary puckering thing. It had that sharp burning taste that you get if you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth, except I hadn't brushed my teeth.

I actually had two of these, and I will say, its no worse warm than it is cold, so that at least makes it unique. I give it a C-.

2012: Year End Report

I had such a good time looking over information about myself last year that I decided I would do it again. Thanks to Google Analytics I know I had more unique views than last year, and people spent more time viewing each page than in previous years, which I am hoping suggests that more people who visited my site this year were actually looking for me!! Or how to find Kodiak Ridge Beer. Or how to make a Coors Light Cake. 

But anyway, here is "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" 2012 edition:

1. "Girl Beer Blog" -- Just kidding! You DID find what you were looking for!
2. "мексиканское пиво oz" Translates to: Mexican Beer. 
3. "Cynthia Myers" - I'd forgotten I'd even mentioned the 1968 Playboy Playmate
4. Hangovers from not drinking  
5. my burps taste like blood -- gross. 
6. my burps taste like nail polish -- also gross.
7. box of penis -- again, whats wrong with you people?
8. free porn official site blogspot.com - I'm really hoping this person had to search A LOT before finding my page...
9. Lx lodged in your mouth - WTF internet?
10. My mom thinks I make up pain


So, there was a lot of porn related searching there, and I didn't even include to searches with the words "boner" in them. The internet is a sad place. Most of the other searches were how to talk to awkward people, or how to talk to people if your awkward. My advice: Don't try. Just blog about it. People love that. 

Going where no Kim has gone before...

After a long break with no beer reviews, I give you Romulan Ale. Although judging by other online reviews, this beer was never a huge crowd pleaser, my review still comes with a huge asterisk: this particular bottle of beer is at least four years old and before being given to me*, had been stored, unrefrigerated, in a clear glass bottle. It has no sell-by date or information on it (except a warning about the risks of consuming alcoholic beverages, so I at least know it was brewed after 1996 when those labels became mandatory), so I'm thinking the best case scenario for me here is to walk away without food poisoning or death.

 Being as Romulan Ale is ALSO the name of a fictitious beverage on the show Star Trek, it was hard to do research on the internet. My Google search mostly came up with fan fiction, cocktail recipes, and episode recaps. The beer was produced by a member of the Miller family, Cerveceria La Constancia, a brewery in El Salvador (a country not known for its fine beers)-- that's pretty much all I could find.  Romulan Ale is listed on my favorite beer rating website as an American Adjunct Lager, ITS NOT EVEN AN ALE!! And it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, but I wouldn't buy it if I were you.

This is the most scared I have ever been to drink a beer, next to that time when I was five years old and I drank the beer that had been sitting out next to my parent's bed overnight.

Enough stalling. On to the pour... Large amounts of sediment was stuck to the bottom and sides of the bottle. Although I was anticipating the rotting vegetable smell of your standard American Adjunct Lager, this beer had no smell. If this review were a horror movie, this would be the part where the victim walks into a silent, darkened room and yells "Hello?" and hears no response, but the killer is in the room, and you know it. I am the victim in that example, in case there was any question.

With it's electric blue color and spotty carbonation throughout, our first reaction was "Is this actually beer?"; I would say the blue raspberry color would encourage under-aged drinking, but having tasted it, I assure you, it discourages drinking at all ages.

Long story short *insert gagging, running for something to wash my mouth out, and fear here* It was terrible and absolutely undrinkable. The grainy corn garbage had turned. THAT'S RIGHT, I would have considered grainy corn garbage taste a VICTORY.  It was like blue, liquid bread mold. My mouth might never forgive me. I'm kidding. My mouth has seen a lot worse.

Grade: D- Not the worst beer ever, but nearly the worst beer ever.

*Thank you, Gordon Sharp, for your generous donation.

The Official Beer of NES: Tailgate

When I saw this black and orange six pack at Grocery Outlet, I knew I wanted to review it. But then I saw it was a hefenweizen and I recoiled.  It calls itself "The official craft beer of tailgating". Because when I think tailgating, I think small artisan batches of hefenweizen. But, I guess if I'm going to drink a canned hefenweizen, it might as well be the official hefenweizen of tailgating. Why not.


My suspicions that this was some sort of bastard cousin of the Gameday beers was wrong. Tailgate Beer is a new brew, founded in 2007, and is based out of San Diego but brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin by Minhas Brewery. Heard of Minhas? That's because they make Trader Joe's beer. From what I can tell, Tailgate is actually a small producer. I know I should have gotten that from the 'craft brew' denotation, but considering all the beers I review call themselves 'premium', words don't mean anything to me anymore.  But it is interesting to note that the term 'craft brew' does not mean a whole lot. Any brewery that produces 6 million barrels of beer or less per year is a craft brewer. There are over 2 thousand breweries registered in America, and less than 50 of them produce enough beer to not be called a 'craft brew'.

The company was founded by a 21-year-old, but the cans look like they were designed by an 8-year-old who was inspired by an old NES game. Likewise, the website is a sports themed mess that slowed down my browser like I was visiting a free porn site. Or, you know, what I imagine visiting a free porn site would... Nevermind. Anyway, All that being said, the website's FAQ page made me laugh; its snarky and informative. I kind of wish I'd written it. (check is out here). On to the pour...

Its light and clear, which is uncharacteristic of a hefenweizen, but if there had been shit floating around in it, I wouldn't have been too thrilled with that either. The technical classification is American Pale Wheat Ale, but it smells like any bland Adjunct lager I've ever had. Just don't smell it more than you have to. Its got a little bit of ass-stench to it. Its also got that malty syrup taste that I'm not a tremendous fan of. Those were the cons. The pros being its a light, drinkable beer with very little after-taste. The taste is improved with a little bit of lemon juice. 

Mike gives it a C+ when ice cold, but a C- when slightly warm, where I give it an overall C. 

There's the right way, There's the wrong way,

And there's the Kingway.

It sounds like the name of a discount grocery store, but it's actually a beer from China that I bought at a discount grocery store. It was the only 6-pack of its kind, and sitting in a ripped box and covered in dust, it wasn't hard for me to know which beer to pick for this installment of the beer blog.

Although from China, Kingway is a European Pale Lager. Now, I know Euro Pale Lagers are not something we deal with everyday on this site, so let me explain briefly how that differs from an American Adjunct Lager: It doesn't. 

So, moving on, the brewing company, Guangdong, was founded in 1990 and as of 2004, Heineken has owned 21% of the brewing company, which may have something to do with the label stating its brewed "In the German Brewing Tradition".

The website for Guangdong looks like it was made by a mid-western family to post their yearly Christmas letter. That aside, its the most informative beer website I've seen, covering everything from ingredients, to information for the stock holders, to annual reports, or as I like to call them, "the Kingway Christmas letter".  The website states that they vow to make sure every bottle of beer is 'flawless', and boasts 'Green Technology', which means brewing without the use of formaldehyde. Wait. WHAT? I had to do research, and apparently, trace amounts of formaldehyde is used in not just Chinese beer, but most beers, to prevent bacteria from growing in the can. Bottled beer does not contain formaldehyde, but even at trace amounts, with the amount of beer that I consume, I'm probably going to end up pickling myself.
But back to Kingway. It received the China Best Brand award in the 'green food' category in 2002, 2004, and 2005, which is super prestigious, considering how well known China is for its beer. 

It had a good pour; good head, proper lacing, clear golden color. I feel like there was a bait and switch, because all the really positive stuff ends there. It had an off-putting smell that was not at all beer scented, but neither Mike or I still can't place it. Old potato? No. I don't know. Its drinkable, just don't give it a chance to get warm. Mike tasted the rotten vegetable taste often present in american adjunct style, but I didn't. I did however experience a mildly unpleasantly, thick, sweet mouthcoat. And gave me awful after-burps.

I give it a C-. It had good presentation, I think if it hadn't been as old as it appeared to be (there was a stamp on the bottles that may have suggested it was brewed in 2010), it could have gotten a solid C.

Oh, Schlitz. You caught me.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, here's a not-so-bad beer review:

To be fair, there is very little that is mass produced, with the exception of hot dogs and BK Mocha Joe, that isn't terrible. So when I find a beer that is distributed nationwide that it even mildly drinkable, I celebrate it as a victory.

 

Schlitz is doing its best to cash in on it's own vintage mystique, going as far as to using an old picture of Playboy's Miss December 1968, Cynthia Myers, as their mascot. Who, just for reference, passed away last year at the age of sixty-one. That's right, their advertising angle is so old, it's literally dead. Schlitz's slogan, which hasn't changed in over 100 years, is "The beer that made Milwaukee famous", but could just as easily be, "The beer that you associate with old people."

Or is that just what they WANT you to think? This isn't a new trend for Pabst Brewing Company. They pretend their market is old men, but in actuality, its young men who dress like old men. I'm talking about hipsters. Finally, something that will match my maroon knitted beanie cap...

Although you should probably just drink it straight from the bottle, the pour has a clear, bright yellow color and very lacy, lingering head. With an alcohol content of 4.6%, this American Adjunct Lager has very little about it that is unlikable. That being said, it is also highly unremarkable. Its not all that refreshing; I wouldn't crave one after yard work or anything. But that's okay, hipsters don't do yard work. And it's lack of excitement plays right into the hipster mentality. 


You're drinking it. Its not great or anything, its just, you know, whatever. 


Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but THAT should be Schlitz's next official slogan...

What the kids are drinking

I was under the false impression that if a beer had to beat it's customers over the head with the fact that it is alcoholic, than it MUST be delicious. I'm not under that impression anymore. Calling this an "alco-pop" is an insult to soda, alcohol, and under-aged drinkers.

The name is Joose. At first I thought it was an alternate spelling of "Jose". But no, its "Juice". Like "Jungle Juice", That toxic hodge-podge of alcohol and fruit drink that you often find at a college party. Well, maybe you don't find it... but I always seem to. The people at United Brands Company, Inc. decided it would be a good idea to mass produce that experience. It comes in a variety of flavors, the most prominently advertised being grape, but I didn't go there. I went with Cherry Lime instead.

Its actually got an excellent pour, its the color and carbonation of raspberry ginger-ale, but the similarities between Joose and the things that I love end there.

My first flavor response was, "this kind if tastes like a lime rickey!" which was immediately squashed by the burning taste of grain alcohol. My immediately response was to dump the bottle down the drain. And then I realized I didn't fully taste it, and I had to pour a second one. Thanks to my burps, I now know what nail polish removal tastes like.

The throat-ruining burn is not without reason: the alcohol by volume is an impressive 8.5%. The idea that children are drawn to this malt beverage is both good, and bad. Its good, because this is going to turn a LOT of smart kids away from drinking, but bad because a lot really stupid kids will die.

Joose has been awarded a rare spot in our refrigerator. The undrinkable beverage place, where undrinkable beers go to lay in waiting, until someone becomes curious enough, or drunk enough, to try it.

Beer rating: F.

Ed Hardy Beer - The tramp stamp of alcoholic beverages

People can stop using the word "premium" now. It officially has no meaning. Its like a silent letter in the American vernacular. 

Just when I thought the ill-advised popularity of Ed Hardy was over, I find this at my local grocery store. Its a beer based on a clothing brand, based on the success of a tattoo artist; what could possibly go wrong?! For starters, Ed Hardy Premium Beer scored one point lower on BeerAdvisor than the beer that shall not be named, so I was literally preparing myself for the worst.

The Ed Hardy website states that this beer is a "drink for celebrities", it then proceeds to name drop a few B-listers from the mid-nineties who apparently 'follow' the beverage. Well, if Britney Spears drinks it, that must mean something. Right?

It seems as if Ed Hardy put exactly the same amount of thought into its beer label as they did their "premium" clothing line. The box is just a tiger face that made both Mike and I think of that cologne "Sex Panther" from the movie Anchor Man. Because that's exactly what I want to think about when I buy a beer. Perfume. The box offers no other information, other than the requirement of informing me it is beer, and telling me that there are 12 of them in there. I'm still not 100% sure where this beer comes from, there was a website saying it is brewed by the same people who make Tecate, but that's not true. Although it does come from Mexico, it is distributed through a New York company. That's the best I could come up with.

Anyway, on to the pour. The beer is highly carbonated, but turns flat quickly. It has a sweet smell, but much to my surprise, and sadly my delight, very little flavor. It coats the mouth, but not in the sticky sweet way a lot of cheap American Adjunct Lagers do. Mike was a lot more critical of the beer than I was, mostly because what he tasted as a strong rotten vegetable flavor, I only tasted as a mild rotten vegetable flavor. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good, and I will never drink it again, but it wasn't the worst. 

I give it a low D rating, just a hair above a D-. Not even if you were watching Jersey Shore would this be an appropriate beverage choice.

Bad Beers Come to Those Who Wait...

This is the white whale of redneck beers. I saw it once in a 30 rack, shortly after what I now refer to only as The Game Day Ice Experience, in which I vowed to never buy a 30 rack of experimental beer ever again.

However, this past weekend, while having a conversation with an employee at Grocery Outlet Bargain Market in which I found out I am known as "that woman who bought all that Game Day" (I am not kidding) I was lamenting that I had tried everything that had in the 'bad beer' category, I turned around to find a 6 pack Beer30 Light.

What?! That wasn't a sentence, you say? I'm a beer blogger, not a proper sentence writer.  

For those of you who were not raise in a barn, or a trailer, or some barn/trailer combination, "Beer30" is a response used when someone asks you what time it is and you indicate that its time to drink. What time is it, you ask? Why, its Beer30. And here's a hint: to some people, its always beer30.

There's apparently no regular Beer30; just Light and Ice, which I assume is why Beer30 Light has a 4% alcohol content. Lets face it, Beer30 Light is just regular Beer30, the fine people at Melanie Brewing in Wisconsin were just trying to class it up a bit.

I am losing faith in my previous go-to beer rating site. They ranked Beer30 Light at the same level as Game Day Light, which is clearly the problem with user generated ranking websites. People don't know a bad beer if it gag\s them as they drink it.

Back to the beer review. It looks more like a can of grape soda than beer. Modeled loosely off of the Bud Light can, the similarity stops there. Upon pouring, it had surprisingly good color. And good, however short-lived, head. It lost all carbonation almost immediately.

Luckily, didn't taste as sweet as it smelled. Instead it tasted a tiny bit like bleach. Kind of like drinking a beer at an indoor pool. It lacked any crispness, or refreshing quality. So, again, kind of like you were drinking the water at an indoor pool. On the bright side, there was very little aftertaste.

All in all, it's not a gag-inducing horror, but it isn't good either. Honestly, I find myself a little disappointed. I searched for this beer for months, and in the end, it was less of a white whale, and more of a giant plastic bag that I just thought was a whale from a distance, which happens to me a lot.

I give it a D+

I'm Walking on Mexican Sunshine

In an effort to fully immerse myself in learning Spanish, I decided to review the Mexican import Sol.

I'm just kidding. This has nothing to do with me trying to learn Spanish. Although, I did learn that "Sol" means "Sun" in this context, and is not a reference to the name Solomon. That makes the slogan "The Original Mexican Sunshine Beer" make a lot more sense, although they could have a great mascot in a guy name Sol. Just sayin'...

Moving on. I bought a 32 oz bottle of Sol for just over two dollars. It totes a 4.5% alcohol content, which is about average. The label, which apparently has not been altered since it's creation in 1890, is appealing in that "looks like something I might find in my grandparent's basement" sort of way. The beer itself has got good color, similar to a Corona.  

Upon pouring, I was made a little uncomfortable to the soapy foam that made rings around the bottle and stayed there for what seemed like minutes. And it smelled like pee.

Now is as good a time as any to mention that BeerAdvocate rated Sol at the same level of 7-11's Game Day Ice. At least I didn't have to buy twelve of them like I did when I reviewed Game Day. I've still got one of my fridge.

 Any takers? I didn't think so. 

With an introduction like that, its not hard to be pleasantly surprised. This highly carbonated beer was light and refreshing, had excellent bite, and no weird mouth-ruining aftertaste. It did, however, induce some rather terrible malt liquor burps.

I have to say this is one of the less stomach-turning beers I've had the pleasure of reviewing. It would have paired really well with spicy or salty food. I might actually buy this again (maybe).

Since I've gotten in the habit of rating these after drinking, I give Sol a solid C. For "C"ertainly not the worst beer I've ever had.

Beer Blog: Girl Drink Edition!

I was getting sick of having to drink terrible beers all the time, and seeing as "Beer30 ICE" was my only other unique option, I thought a nice girly drink review would be fun. Also, I can never, ever drink ice beer again. Never. Ever.

The girly drink of the evening is a locally produced cider called America's Best ACE Perry Hard Cider. "Perry Hard Cider" Not "Pear". "Perry". Apparently "perry" is an acceptable nickname for pear cider in the cider world, but I think they're just trying to get away with not using pears. Its got pictures of pears all over it, so I could assume it was probably pear-flavor-related, although the label has no mention of pears in the ingredients... Maybe they were just banking on me being a non-reader. BANK AGAIN AMERICA'S BEST!

America's Best website tells me not-surprising little about the actually cider, except that they have four flavors and they've been producing cider for 15 years. And then they shit all over the American brewing industry.  Fascinating stuff. I was shocked to see that it wasn't even listed on BeerAdvocate's site, until I remembered that it wasn't a beer. That make it a must less shocking revelation, and made me feel pretty stupid. Perry is a pretty new beverage, born in August of 2010, although its available in almost half of the states in the US, and it has a higher than expected ABV of 6%, which makes it one of the strongest beverages I've ever reviewed.

The cider poured an excellent yellow, extremely carbonated with copious amounts of head, which fizzled to almost nothing within seconds. The smell is off-putting; a strong, sour fart smell, which is not completely uncommon to ciders, but significantly worse than any I can remember. On a positive note, its got a taste that's best described as a liquid jolly rancher. They should really consider marketing this to kids, it would be a huge hit.

Lastly, its gluten-free, and lower in calories than beer or wine, which means when those kids --err, I mean.. women-- are sucking down these jolly ranchers, they don't have to worry about aggravating that gluten allergy their mom told them they have, or worse, getting fat.

Böner: "Its a hard sell"

Its Re-dick-ulous!!

As much as I giggled all the way to through the check-out line and brainstormed penis jokes all the way home, after doing a little research, I almost didn't write this review. 


Böner was created after the popularity of a t-shirt with the phrase "Pop a  Böner" on it actually made people want to drink the fictitious beer being advertised (may I suggest, if you try a Google Image Search you make sure to include the word "t-shirt". And even then. Don't. Just don't.). The whole concept just seemed cheap to me; Its like when companies starting brewing Duff Beer --currently only available in South America-- so people could drink the same beer as Homer Simpson. Böner Beer sales are completely driven by cheesy jokes and marketing ploys. As the website advertises, "Watch [insert sport here] with a Böner!", "Order a stiff one!", "It's sure to get a rise out of you!". They also have the "Böner girls" who are like, forty and all greased up, and not at all boner-inducing.  


So, if all the jokes are made, why review it? I have my reasons. Its brewed by the Lion Brewery in Pennsylvania, and only distributed/marketed in Texas. Never heard of Lion Brewery? Well, they were the maker of my FAVORITE no-longer-available cheap beer Brubaker. But that's review for another day. I've attached a link to the BeerAdvocate website if you want to learn more. Teaser: It was only available at a select few bars in Boston, and it was brewed in sticky re-used bottles. My point is Lion Brewery only seems to brew cheap, obscure, poorly distributed beverages and THAT, my friends, is a beer worth reviewing.  


The beer was brand new on the market as of 2011 and is already selling at discount grocery stores for $2.99 a six pack. That doesn't seem like a great sign. My first thought was "Of course it was marketed in Texas. Stupid Texas." But to be fair, nobody doesn't like a boner joke. In fact, I vote people stop saying love is the universal language, and just agree that its actually boners.

Its a wheat beer brewed with pineapple, which breaks my streak of only reviewing American Adjunct Lagers, but it means I have to drink a pineapple flavored wheat beer, which kind of sucks.  


My first reaction, and the ruining factor for my co-reviewer Mike, was the smell. It had that apple cider vinegar smell. He couldn't finish his glass. Its yeasty, which is probably something the marketers should have considered when they were deciding on what style beer to brew and name "Böner"; super yeasty? I would have stuck with American Adjunct Lager-- everybody else is doing it. 


Terrible head, but good color. And no after taste, which was a surprise. ...This whole review is a waste. I can't stop thinking about boners. 

Kokanee, anyone?

Kokanee!! Its Glacier Fresh! I might have never heard if it, but its one of the best selling beers in Western Canada! Which is almost saying something!

                                        

Let's start with the facts: It's a Labatt product, and although brewed in Canada, it is still considered an American Adjunct Lager, proving that "American Adjunct Lager" is just code for "straw-colored backwash". It is advertised as being brewed with mountain stream water. Do they have any idea what fish do in that water?!

  

The word "Konakee" is a term for an inland sock-eye salmon in the Native American Okanagan language.

It has been kindly requested that I refrain from any jokes that poke fun at the rampant alcoholism that is present on Native American reservations. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of some really awful cheap jokes. I'm thinking them, alright. I'm thinking them right now...

Moving on... The packaging was as generic as they come. Blue skies, frosty mountains, the word 'beer'. Apparently there's a Sasquatch hidden somewhere on the label, but I couldn't find it. I'm pretty sure Wikipedia is just messing with me for not donating money like they asked me to.

The beer was highly carbonated, which left me very burpy. And much like every American Adjunct, it smelled like rank rotten cabbage. But the taste wasn't the worst. It's got an average alcohol percentage at around 5%, and lacks the standard gross after-taste, which makes it pretty darn drinkable.

Overall, I give it a high C on the cheap beer scale. Definitely a Kimber-do.

The Very First Beer of the Year

Today's beer is Kodiak Ridge Lager, a American Adjunct that I found at the local SaveMart for $3.99/6pack.

It had a logo that appealed to the ho-dunk backwoods hillbilly side of me (what? I have a lot of sides). Reading the can from top to bottom, it starts with a picture of a bear. Bears are Bad-ass. I'm intrigued. Under that, the word "Beer". Yes. I like beer, I'll read on. After that "Kodiak" Again. Bad-ass bear. Read on. Under that "Ridge" Meh... you're losing me, but then in finishes with "Lager" And I'm sold.  

I'd never heard of it, but it must have traveled to the grocery store via coal truck, because the tops of the cans were covered it soot. But it met my new requirement of not being a 30-rack, because I'm tired of getting stuck with 28 undrinkable toxic beers. So, I bought it.  But I had to clean it before I poured:

Upon pouring, I found that it had a less than impressive color. Its lightly carbonated, and the lacing is non-existent. It doesn't smell good. I don't really know how else to explain it. It smells like dirty water or something.

The distributors of Kodiak Ridge is in Novato, California, and its bottled at the Genesee Brewing Company in Rochester, New York, both of which are decided Kodiak-free zones, but whatever, if my city's claim to fame was being the northernmost town in Marin County, I'd want to associate myself with an bad ass Alaskan bear too. I'd also want to move.  

Back to the beer. Its not that thick sweet syrupy beer like the-beer-that-shall-not-be-named. Its very light, a little tangy, with very little after taste. Its certainly drinkable.
I give it a C-

I take it back.

I need to retract a statement I made earlier in regards to the worst beer I have ever had. I was wrong, Silver Stallion has been stripped of the title of worse-beer-ever. Don't get me wrong, its still a terrible, terrible beer. But it isn't the worst.

This review is of the actual worst beer I have ever had: Game-Day Ice. And I wasn't expecting a lot from the 7-11 produced sister beer of Game Day Light, at $2.99 for a twelve pack, and the notorious 'ice beer' label, it was cringe-inducing before I even cracked open the can.

The beer had color; a dark yellow, but absolutely no head. It was as flat as apple juice. In fact, we continued to compare it to apple juice throughout the taste-test. It smelled like a rotten fruit factory, and who the hell would manufacture rotten fruit? The taste was like corn syrupy garbage. It stuck in your mouth like peanut butter. Clearly the phrase "premium brewed" means nothing. Mike managed to take one sip. I drank 3 cans, because, well, we had 12. As I was drinking, I continued to search for adjectives to describe this  terrible beer, but it was decided one dimensional.

So the taste was terrible, and the smell was rank, but Game-Day Ice didn't clinch the title of Worst Beer Ever until 5am the next morning, when I started what would prove to be a seven hour vomit-fest. I threw-up everything I had ever eaten in my entire life, violently. I couldn't keep down ice, which I found someone ironic. Maybe more unfortunate than ironic... Anyway, Game-Day Ice is now a swear word in our house. It should not be consumed by anyone, its not even fit to be cooked with.

Game-Day Ice, Earning my lowest beer rating ever: F

Nobody likes a winner

I've gotten pretty good at picking out mediocre beers to review, and my most recent choice, Olympia, had real promise.

Retro label, limited information on the box, tell-nothing slogan, $7.99 for a twelve pack; All the signs were there.

Olympia is an American Adjunct Lager, which is quickly becoming my favorite type of beer to review. In the back of my head, I'm always comparing American Lagers to Budweiser, and I'm learning that its harder to emulate Budweiser than you might think; most of the time you end up with skunky fart juice.

However I admit, the box is pretty cool, in a stuff-you-find-in-your-grandparent's-basement kind of way. It looks like a failed attempt at Halloween-themed Poland Springs campaign. And the slogan, "It's the Water" apparently refers to the quality of water used in the beer making process, but I had to go online and find that out. 

On to the review. My first observation was that Olympia had remarkably rich color, head, and lacing. Far better than your average American Lager.

If you recall my last review of Silver Stallion, it was the worst beer I have ever reviewed, and possibly the worst I've ever tasted. So, I was a little hesitant to try something new. I allowed my fiancee to take the first sip, after which he remarked,  "It's beer." He's my junior reviewer. 

It's a good beer, not a great beer, but even so I'm at a loss for words. I've never had an opportunity to review a good beer before. Its got an enjoyable light taste that doesn't turn rank when it warms. Maybe there's something in the water afterall. 

I give Olympia B- within its field. I prefer it over Budweiser, merely for its hipster appeal. There. I said it.