Second verse, same as the first!

So, I planned on looking back at my early 2011 posts, and using them to illustrate how much I've changed this year, and BOY was I disappointed. I'm still an adult non-student who wears cat-hair shirts to the grocery store to buy cheap beer in the middle of the afternoon, except now I'm unemployed, which is just the icing on the shit cake. I still dress like an old man and expect people to think I'm cute, and I still may or may not be retarded.

Although it was not an excellent year for personal growth, a lot of good has come from 2011. I joined an improv group (www.blacktopcomedy.com go see it, its fantastic), started writing stand-up material (as of two days ago), I bought a car (haggled the SHIT out of the dealer, cried, pitched a fit, and now I can never go back there). I watched a record number of movies in theaters this year: Jane Eyre, Super 8, Bridesmaids, Source Code, Midnight in Paris, The Muppets, and tonight we're going to see TinTin in 3D! I also ate a record number of Papa Murphy's pizzas (an average of one every 2.5 weeks).

Looking back in the year in posts, I am sad that I accidentally abandoned (read: forgot about) my Gross Food Photography project. The Calimonter was such a disgusting gem. I also completely forgot about my Facebook page, and it got archived. Also, I forgot about my childhood bank account, which had 25 cents in it, and was closed for inactivity. I grieved over that for about six straight minutes. I'm going to try not to forget so much in 2012.


On this day last year, I requested "more of the same", and although I didn't really get that, I can't complain. For 2012 however, I request money. Cold, hard cash. And a lot of it.

Maybe I should just be a Toy'R'Us kid...

Here is a brief list of things that I celebrate, even though I should probably pretend I don't:

Paying Rent
Showing up on time to my job
Eating on clean plates
Ordering fancy coffees
Zipping my fly before I leave the house, and not after
Owning a Cat
Remembering to feed the cat
House plants
Clean underwear
Having multiple kinds of juice in the fridge

So this is growing up?

I have always hated change. It didn't matter how slight, I hated it. When my mom used to clean my room (yeah, my mom used to clean my room, so what? jealous much?) I couldn't watch; it sent me into a panic attack. Whenever anyone used to tell me they were thinking about moving from one apartment to another, or changing jobs, or dating someone new, I was against it. Fervently, and without reason. I recognized it as an immature part of my personality, and always I hoped that someday I would grow out of it. I assumed the nature pattern of growth would be that I would realize within my heart of hearts that that other person's actions had no baring on my life, and I have no right to act as if I have any say in what they do, or do not do. But that wasn't the case. Although, just recently, I've noticed I no longer boil at the thought of other people's change, it isn't because I respect that their decisions are their own. Its just that I no longer give a crap.

Is this what being an adult feels like?

I hate that girl.

With the amount of "little parts of me" that have died since I've graduated college, I'm surprised there is still anything left to kill.

Would you like Paper, or Shame?

I went to pick up a few things for dinner today, and at check-out the cashier asked for my ID, and then asked me if I was a student. Now, I'm standing there, a 20-something, in a shirt that is covered in cat hair, buying cheap beer at noon on a Thursday, with an out-of-state ID, so I don't exactly blame the woman for thinking I was a student. But I still felt like saying: No, I'm not a student, I'm just an adult who doesn't have her shit together. But I told her I was, because college students get a 5% discount. I might not have my shit together, but I know a deal when I see it.

The way we were

This post is brought to you by: People who complain that grocery store music is too brash, people I work with, and news articles illustrating the poorly-researched decline of the American Family. Much like my hate for the overused phrase 'in these economic times', people who use phrases like 'The good old days' or get all glossy-eyed over 'the way things used to be" erk the hell out of me. I've been paying close attention to these statements, and I've discovered some interesting correlations.

First of all, these statements are never made by anyone except old people, unless irony is implied. Secondly, these statements serve a duel purpose for these good-old-day-sayers: They are allowed to be both negative and condescending at the same time: Two birds, one overly simplistic and nostalgic stone.

They complain that music 'just isn't the same' as it used to be. Which is true to an extent, but the logic of the argument is flawed: 'New music isn't music, it's just noise.' --What music isn't noise? Where are you listening to this olde-tyme silent music?

A few weeks ago my co-workers were complaining that there was no where to get a good loaf of bread in town. One of the older women stated that the old bakery never should have closed. 'Everyone went there.' That struck a nerve with me, because my family owned that bakery, and it closed because no one went there. Maybe your neighborhood bakery that you look back on with such nostalgia would still been there if you hadn't decided Wal*mart's bread was 'just as good'. In other words: you ruined your own good old days, you have no one to blame but yourself. Its the same reason you can't find clothes at Wal*Mart that fit like they clothes you used to get at the old department store downtown (more on that later). Which reminds me of another common thread of all this, never disagree. They're wrong, you know it, but they're old, isn't have punishment enough? Just let them think they're right.

Back to clothes. They're not made like they used to be. Well, neither are you, hypothetical old person. Thirty years ago, you could walk into any old store and put on any old thing. Well, you gained thirty pounds, and now you're the old thing. But sure, blame China. Its the same reason make-up isn't made the way it used to be. You're thirty years older, make-up hasn't changed, you just need a hell of a lot more of it. And your hair isn't brassy and fragile because you shampoo is watered down, its because you hair is just brassy and fragile. That's it. Your dollar store Suave coconut conditioner can't compete with that.

Growing up is hard to do.

I've recently started wearing perfume. I had to for two reasons, One: I'm a girl, and because of that I am crippled by insecurity, and the idea of smelling bad in a public place haunts me. Two: Cosmo told me to, so that's that. But I can't seem to find the right balance, the amount I need to wear so it is pleasant. Not a grandmother, nor a prostitute. Today, I smell like I should be soliciting myself on whore-avenue.

5 year plan

I could be considered an adult, in some social circles. People around me are married, have children, own homes, buy cars, have credit cards. This weekend I drove 123 miles to ask my dad for money. And I tell you what, that never gets old. But neither does being able to pay the bills, so I guess it works out. . . No matter how many times I work out my budget, I still manage to come up short. I'm starting to think that I sleep spend.