Wedding Season...

Normally, I would make a joke like Vermonters make about Tourists: "If its wedding season-- why can't we shoot them??"


But that's not how I feel this time. Because this wedding is my brother's. I found out last week the pastor has requested I say a few words at the ceremony as the maid of honor/sister of the groom, she wants me to "tell the story of Chris and Denise" and all I can think is "Wow. This woman has obviously never met me." Because if she did know me, she'd know how I feel about the world. It pretty much revolves around me. Exclusively. And I was informed by the bride and groom that there were a few things they'd prefer I wouldn't bring up in the church. Mainly, drinking and bars, swearing, throwing up, and anything involving sex. So, I'm going to have to make something up.


I looked up online phrases like "wedding toasts" "maid of honor speeches" "wedding speeches" and I realized that no one has any taste. Its like Cosmo magazine threw up all over the Internet, and I've figured out a formula, let me share it.

First of all, no speech centers around the groom. Ever. Its the first rule of speeches. It starts with an introduction. Then you say something generic, like "when I was first introduced to (groom) ..." and this could end in two ways, either you knew the second you saw him he would be with (bride) forever, or the generic 'anyone (bride) loves, I love too'. Which is speech talk for 'I kind of thought he was a dillhole, but we're stuck with him, so I'm learning to deal with it. Then, most speeches involve a joke about hair, makeup, or nails, and will undoubtedly end with " but seriously..." and then you say something sappy, maybe your voice cracks, and its all over.

But seriously. I'm freaking out. I'm not sure this will be like when I was 16, failing drivers ed, and for my final presentation I pulled a tear jerking story out of left field about the dangers of drunk driving and, as a reward for my dumb luck, received the highest grade in the class. ...I don't see that happening this time.