Aren't we just adorable?

The short answer: Yes.

Tonight Michael and I had a few ideas that may make us rich. So, I'm going to go ahead and say copyright all over the post. and all other posts, for that matter.

Are you Ready? Ok.

We've thought of inventing fart-proof light beer. Mainly for the excellent commercials it will surely bring. Just think, just like Coke Zero has a small 'Splenda' logo on it's can, Bud Light could someday have its own 'Beano' logo. Yeah, He's getting his PhD, and just happens to be wicked smart.

Second, we've come up with a store called "Beer, Bath, and Beyond" Which is exactly like Bed Bath and Beyond, but with a bar. Just imagine a kitchen and bath store where you can also get a beer.

Yeah, I realize that both our genius ideas involve cheap ways to increase consumer spending and alcohol consumption, but contrary to common belief, the stuff does not sell itself. They're not cigarettes, you know.

My Day Off

I cherish my time off. Time to sleep in late, watch tv, and potentially do other things.

Todays 'other things' included going to Woodland and trying to find work-appropriate clothing. I had planned on going to Marshalls, but I was distracted by a thrift store across the street. So, I went there instead.

I'd like to tell you I go to these places for the people watching, and although it WAS excellent people watching, I go to these places because I'm ridiculously cheap, and I don't feel like my work clothes are worth paying full price. Also, I can shamelessly listen to 90s soft rock while I shop. Walking into a super-sized thrift store is a lot like traveling back to the 90s. Beyond Boys to Men on the loud speaker, there are an endless supply of old fax machines, large corded telephones, and all the women's clothing come with shoulder pads. And not the cool, fashionable shoulder pads- bit bad ass, line-backer shoulder pads. Because when I go to an interview, I want my suit to subtly say "I might tackle you."

I'm starting to see how my fashion sense could have been mistaken for that of an old man.

Spooky Scary

In case you hadn't notice, Halloween is less than a week away. Last year, I bought tons of candy. I figured we'd need it; we lived in a well-established neighborhood in the middle of town. But much to my chagrin, my elderly neighbors turned all their lights off to discourage trick or treating; a tactic that worked surprisingly well. We had left over candy until Easter. So, after that epic disappointment, I'm wondering if I should buy any candy at all. But then, theres always that very slim chance we might get totally hammered (I mean-- a lot of kids might come by. Lets be honest, theres more than just a slim chance I'm going to get hammered). Just in case, I'd better buy eight bags of candy. You know, just in case.

AARP Couture

One of my co-workers told me the other day that I remind them of a Grandpa.

Fashion has never been a friend of mine. I always try to make my personal style look effortless, but instead it always ends up looking like I didn't even try.

I thought I'd caught my break when the whole smart-is-sexy thing started popping up around Davis. Geek Chic, if you will. Sort of like a play on Hipsters, without the attitude. But you really need to be naturally beautiful to pull off a look like that, because otherwise a frumpy Mr. Rogers sweater and a pair of loafers just make you look, well, frumpy. And loafish. And thats where I find myself on most days. I'm trying for a sort of Tina Fey on 30 Rock look, but I end up with more of a Fred Mertz.

There is nothing funny about my job

Why do educated people have to be so serious all the time? At my last job, if a man fell slow-motion slip-and-slide style off of a rolling chair, I would have laughed it off, helped him up, and moved on. When it happens at my current job, the guy alludes to a law suit. Don't get my wrong; I still laughed, but the law suit thing made it way darker. Its like people around here are trying to murder my fun.

Everyone I bring into the exam room looks at me like I've got a God damned parrot on my shoulder. Except theres a woman in town who walks around with an actual parrot on her shoulder, and she gets more respect than I do. At the risk of sounding like a petite blonde Rodney Dangerfield, ... I don't even have to say it. Just imagine a petite, blonde Rodney Dangerfield, and you'll begin to understand why no one respects me.

And I know you educated people were told at some point in your life that there are no such thing as stupid questions, and although that might be true, it doesn't mean your questions aren't wasting my time. I mean, lets be realistic here, I have the responsibilities of a Gap employee, do you really have to know what my certifications are? Stop asking questions.

Awkward Out-takes and Bathroom Blogging

After trying to record a video blog post for over an hour, and getting really frustrated with the process, this was the only thing I came up with that was even remotely funny to me:

Awkward Out-take from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

But, seeing as I'm trying to update more frequently, here is an actual video post:

Look! I'm in a Bathroom! from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Facebook Foodie

Its that time again. Back to school (okay, so I'm like a month late, but I needed time to build material). Back to posting compulsively on Facebook about how you spent your day.

So, you made dinner for your boyfriend (who you call 'hubby' which is so much less cute than it is sad), and regardless of the fact the meal is bathed in cheese, and is completely unrecognizable as food, you have taken a picture of it and posted it on Facebook. It must be the cold weather that has driven us all indoors and caused this sudden surge in food photography, but it makes me realize that I am just an amateur in the art of gross food photos, and you, Facebook food photographer, are the true master.

Lie to Make Friends

Here is the second of two Video Blog posts.

Lie to Make Friends on Vimeo.

Welcome to the World of Video

Here is my very first Video Blog entry. I know I can't stop making weird faces, just be nice.



The Truth about Teleconferencing from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Say what?

Even though I was only unemployed for a month, I quickly forgot how much work it is to roll out of bed at 8am and do something other than watch Will and Grace reruns all morning. At work, I'm expected to be nice, and wear pants-- at the same time, when everybody knows I'm nicest without pants.

I'm learning what a struggle it is to work in Northern California. The language barrier is daunting. And I'm not talking about the English to Spanish thing; I mean no one understands a G.D. word that comes out of my mouth. I talk too fast, and the only time I end a sentence in the form of a question is when I'm asking a question. I have to curb my use of sarcasm, since it apparently hasn't arrived to California yet and I don't want to scare people. And every time I say 'wicked' or 'awesome' someone breaks into a giggle and we loss track of the conversation. At this point I'm taken about as seriously as a chimpanzee dressed in people clothes, which, interestingly enough, on the scale of work-related-respect is just below 'incompetent unpaid intern', but still a notch above 'unmarried woman'. I knew I had a problem when my co-worker, whose third language is English, was asked to talk to a patient because she is easier to understand than I am.

So, if I haven't been posting as often as I had been, now you know why.