Shit my mom says.

I fail at Mother's Day. I mean, tomorrow I'm going to send her some flowers with a cheesy note and try really hard to remember to call her. And that's suppose to show that I appreciate the life she wasted trying to make sure I didn't choke to death on my necklace in my sleep. The best Mother's Day present in the world isn't going to make up for what a pain in the ass it was to work around my school schedule for twelve years. If Catholic guilt had a Holiday, it would look exactly like Mother's Day.

And Mother's Day isn't even good for mothers! Do you know how much effort has to be put in to faking excitement over a picture frame covered in glittery macaroni? You're just giving her another chore. Now she has to clean up glitter, which everyone knows is impossible.

My mom told me recently that she worries she didn't do a good enough job raising my brother and I (a confession I am sure is totally fine with me sharing on the internet). Now, most people use Mother's Day as an occasion to thank their mothers for helping them become what they are today. I want to go one step further and blame her. I have an irrational belief that I am the prettiest girl in the world, and I honestly believe those other girls are just jealous, and its all her fault.

Also, My mother has instilled in me a healthy fear of bears. When I was younger, she used to find the weirdest times to tell me facts about bears. She would tuck me in at night and say, "Bears can outrun people!" or "Did you know you could shoot a Grizzly bear with a shotgun, and it wont die? You're going going to make it mad! Sleep tight!"

My mother also aided my being weird and awkward by pretending like it was "ok" to be different. She used to make my brother and I sing "rocky raccoon" to her when we'd go on car trips. And the radio wasn't broken. Because of that, I think I have an excellent singing voice. That's right! She told me I have a nice singing voice. You're welcome, world!

Muppet faces. A new Christmas tradition. 

So, I guess my point is, I like the job my mom did raising me.