The way we were

This post is brought to you by: People who complain that grocery store music is too brash, people I work with, and news articles illustrating the poorly-researched decline of the American Family. Much like my hate for the overused phrase 'in these economic times', people who use phrases like 'The good old days' or get all glossy-eyed over 'the way things used to be" erk the hell out of me. I've been paying close attention to these statements, and I've discovered some interesting correlations.

First of all, these statements are never made by anyone except old people, unless irony is implied. Secondly, these statements serve a duel purpose for these good-old-day-sayers: They are allowed to be both negative and condescending at the same time: Two birds, one overly simplistic and nostalgic stone.

They complain that music 'just isn't the same' as it used to be. Which is true to an extent, but the logic of the argument is flawed: 'New music isn't music, it's just noise.' --What music isn't noise? Where are you listening to this olde-tyme silent music?

A few weeks ago my co-workers were complaining that there was no where to get a good loaf of bread in town. One of the older women stated that the old bakery never should have closed. 'Everyone went there.' That struck a nerve with me, because my family owned that bakery, and it closed because no one went there. Maybe your neighborhood bakery that you look back on with such nostalgia would still been there if you hadn't decided Wal*mart's bread was 'just as good'. In other words: you ruined your own good old days, you have no one to blame but yourself. Its the same reason you can't find clothes at Wal*Mart that fit like they clothes you used to get at the old department store downtown (more on that later). Which reminds me of another common thread of all this, never disagree. They're wrong, you know it, but they're old, isn't have punishment enough? Just let them think they're right.

Back to clothes. They're not made like they used to be. Well, neither are you, hypothetical old person. Thirty years ago, you could walk into any old store and put on any old thing. Well, you gained thirty pounds, and now you're the old thing. But sure, blame China. Its the same reason make-up isn't made the way it used to be. You're thirty years older, make-up hasn't changed, you just need a hell of a lot more of it. And your hair isn't brassy and fragile because you shampoo is watered down, its because you hair is just brassy and fragile. That's it. Your dollar store Suave coconut conditioner can't compete with that.

Quit blaming the economy, stupid.

I'm totally and completely done with people blaming the economy. Its like that pregnant person who blames everything on the fact that they're pregnant. They're late for work because their pregnant, they're hungry because their pregnant, they're moody because their pregnant. Well, I'm starting to suspect pregnancy is just an excuse to be fat, lazy, and mean. Similarly, the economy can be blamed for just about anything. Certain things are justified (much like pregnancy can cause rudeness and fatness), but people are taking advantage of a bad situation. Cut it out.

Trend Alert!

I apparently watch television that is targeting an audience two generations older than myself. All of the commercials are geared toward improving my mobility, buying life insurance without having to have a physical exam, reverse mortgages, and managing my sore bones, loose dentures, and forever ailing health. After watching hours of these commercials, I've collected a few marketing trends that I will use to make the elderly bend to my will-- which will be a real task, seeing as they don't bend very well. Because I plan to use my new communication skills to pacify old, grouchy patients, I'm going to try to write off my cable bill as a business expense.




Old people LOVE American flags, its a proven fact. One of the easiest ways to get an old person's attention is to put slap an American flag on your logo. It reminds them where they are: America.

Nobody likes to be frustrated, but no one hates being frustrated more than old people do. Some of the industries best reenactors have jobs on commercials illustrating old people's biggest fears: a seemingly able-bodied woman struggles to open a pickle jar; you're at your daughter's wedding and your dentures just won't stay put. Your grandchildren are picking on you about your inability to use a cell phone. Your tiny arthritic hands can't zip your tiny zippers. And worst of all-- you can't hear the television. How are you going to know what to be insecure about if you can't hear the tv?!

In conclusion, to motivate the Greatest Generation, you only need two tools: Flags and Fear. Just make sure you speak in a clear, loud voice.

Boomarang

People who drive me crazy, part 14: People who get married, and then divorced, and then they remarry that same person again.

What the heck are you thinking, double-offender? Its like going to the thrift store and buying a pair of shoes, only to bring them home and realize that you were the person that donated those shoes to the thrift store in the first place. Because they gave you blisters. Except in your case, you knew the whole time that you were repurchasing ill-fitting goods.

I don't even know what the logic is there. You get divorced, look around and you see nobody, nobody at all, that you'd rather be with than the person you just divorced. Maybe you should just be alone, because obviously you're not good at marriage, or decision making.

And how does that wedding go? Who there is taking you seriously? You're going to have and hold, for as long as you both can handle it this time. Are guests expected to bring gifts, or do the gifts they gave the first time carry over? Does the bride get to wear white? Is it tacky to include the phrase "third times a charm" in the best man's toast??

And finally, if these two people shall ever divorce again, I suggest they both have their marriage licenses revoked-- for good. Marriage is, after all, a privilege.

Dear BHG...

Dear Better Homes and Gardens...

Here is my abbreviated beef with you:

Your food makes my stomach turn. I know that my bachelor recipe for 'mac and cheese and bacon' wasn't exactly beautiful, but your cheeseburger ice cream sandwich should be against the law. And your 'Bestever Casseroles' are desperate. Since when does adding pickled artichokes to tuna make it gourmet? And another thing: goulash is not 'speedy lasagna casserole'. Its just Goulash. And these were your 'Best Ever'?? What on earth were you peddling as regular old daily casseroles?! And your photographer should be cuffed. Even with the super washed-out style that is used in every single image to make it look 'clean' or whatever the desired effect is, the food still looks day old and gross.

And another thing: Your bedroom decor ideas are all nautical themed. What if I have a fear of boats? or drowning? or sharks? I'd never get to sleep in your 'Room with a view' theme, or your 'beach cottage casual' or your 'beach bliss' designs. What if I live Utah? Also, Martha Stewart called, she wants her color scheme back. And so on, and so forth, you get my point.

More like Worst Homes and Gardens. Burn.