Awkward Flashback

I don't have anything to write about today, so I think I'll just enlighten you as to why I turned out the way that I am today. One of many reasons.

Remember that awkward phase I went through-- the one I never exited from? Well, it started early and came on strong. And I'm not talking about when I had to wear three diapers when I was a baby; I don't even really consider that awkward, just really unfortunate. Anyway, my mom remembers me being the same height as all the other kids when kindergarten started, but by the end of the year, everyone had grown and I was still the same height. By the first grade, I was a head shorter than all the other kids. That was the same year I was in a car accident and I had to have all my hair cut off in an attempt to hide the giant bald spot, which if you're interested, I still have. Over the course of two years, add dark non-symmetrical freckles, big pink enameled Medicaid glasses, and braces. But before you add those braces, add one of those mouth spacers that is suppose to widen your jaw, because that spacer gave me a lisp that lasted all through junior high. I couldn't say anything that had a 'K' sound. And, my name is Kimberly. I still get anxious around cookies. AND I lived in a trailer-- Which was the point where I really have to say enough already. God, What the hell were you thinking? You're telling me that you created a braces wearing, glasses clad, pee-wee ginger with a lisp, and then you said "Hell, I'm going to make her poor too; that'll be a riot."

Now, in case you're suffer from the common misconception that such an awkward little girl would be 'cute',because for some reason everyone reacts that way, I would like to introduce you to this image from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com because when I saw it, I was SO SURE that this little girl was me, that I had to do background research to make sure it wasn't. Again, this image belongs to AFP.com.

Not a Happy Camper

Until today, I would have told you, with confidence, that Better Homes and Gardens comes up with the grossest pseudo-creative food in the world, but after today, I must admit Shine.com's article on Creative Birthday Cakes for Kids ...takes the cake.

In honor of my sister-in-law's birthday, here is the grossest birthday cake in the world.

You'll have to follow the link to check it out, because there is no way I'm risking copy-write infringement for such a gross image. If it was something cool, sure, but not for this.

In case you followed the link, and it didn't direct you to the exact cake I'm talking about, its number 18 of 20: the Campfire Cake. This wins the World's Grossest Cake Award (WGCA) because it has multiple layers of fail. First, the concept. Camping? What kid aspires to be a camper above all other things? Sure, some kids like fire trucks, or princesses, but Jimmy just wants to sleep outside. Its like the birthday cake equivalent to giving out pennies on Halloween.
Second, as awful as this cake looks, it must taste worse. Tortillas, coconut, pretzels, peanuts, and a cake. What are you-- High?
Lastly, it doesn't even have the benefit of being simple. It requires one hour of prep. If I'm going to spend an hour putting together a cake, there better be some kind of Rube Goldberg machine on it by the time I'm finished.

Happy Birthday, Denise.

Dear MadMen Facebook Fans,

I like it too, but it isn't real. Its a television show. Mrs. Blankenship was a character, played by an actress; no one actually died. I can understand that you'll miss the predictable comic relief she added to the show, but quit "RIP"-ing her.


Also, the characters don't think, because they're not actually people.

California Roll

California is big. The whole country is big, which was news to me, because I thought Vermont was big. I thought we had big mountains, and big trees, and wide open spaces-- but I was wrong. I have a been a goldfish my whole life. My whole world view has been built around a fake plastic castle and a bubbling clam shell. And I feel like someone has dropped me in an ocean out here in California. Except, this ocean kind of smells like weed and everyone says "Cheers" and "Rad" and wear Rayban sunglasses every waking moment (I get it. you're hip).

A few days ago I was biking to work and I almost got hit, and the guy just shouted out "No worries!". No worries? You nearly hit me. Car versus Bike. Actually-- Yeah, I have a little bit of worries about that. You bum.

Panda Regular-Speed

I saw my first stand-alone Panda Express restaurant recently, and apparently its a trend out here. I was under the impression Panda Express was only available in malls, but here was one all by itself, no drive through. It was a walk-in, sit-down restaurant, which begs, whats so express about that?! Do I have to take it upon myself to make my Panda meal express? Run in, scream at the cashier, throw money at her, take my rice and go? I do that at fast food chains already!

Tap the ...Orizabas?

So, I have no way to confirm this, but the Mexican beer Tecate might just be Coors Light in a red can. Take a look at this:




Now, this is just laziness on the part of Coors Brewing Company; Tecate is imported by Coors. And have you seen Keystone recently? They have an almost identical label to Coors as well-- but they don't taste the same. Keystone tastes like a high school gym locker smells.

Coors Light and Tecate on the other hand taste identical. Is this like when Ford Lincoln Mercury were making identical cars with different names? Do you know what you end up with when those things happen? Two equally shitty cars. Do you even remember the tempo/topaz? Do you really want to be drinking that?! I didn't think so.

Coors, all I'm saying is, maybe you should streamline your operation. Do we really need all these different labels for the same beer? Do you want to end up like Anheuser Busch? Five different types of light beer, none of which are worth drinking?

Does a Rose by any other name sound this dumb?

When I think of stereotypical Californians, a few first names come to mind: Brad, Brett, Chad, Barbie, Tori-- that sort of burn-out surfer dude with the question-mark-at-the-end-of-every-sentence girlfriend. And for the record, those people do exist, and there is a high concentration of them in California. But the names that we fictitiously give these people are dated. Those names have grown up, and had children, and they named their children even dumber names. But what adds to the ridiculousness is that these people are not stupid; this town is among the highest educated in the country, and they're not doing themselves any favors being named Poppy Bella. Do you have any idea how hard it is to take a bleach blonde 30-something named Grey Destiny seriously? While she's sitting there twirling her hair, I have no idea what she's talking about because all I can hear is my own inner voice reminding me "shes a doctor. shes a doctor. shes, like, a doctor".

Ok, In conclusion, California, I'm not saying your sons can't be named Angel, I'm just saying your contributing to a bullying epidemic that already plagues this country.

Where do I want to be in five years?

A telemarketer for an online college asked me that. I didn't answer him, because he was a telemarketer. But I assume as I set up more interviews, I may have to actually answer that question, and because every interviewing website on the planet tells me I can't be funny at my interview, I might have to cough off a real answer. The logic of not being funny at an interview is that often you think you're funny, but other people don't. But I know other people don't think I'm funny. I think I'm funny, its why I'm the one laughing. But, in the spirit of getting a job, here's a list of things I wont be saying when my interviewer asks me where I see myself in five years:

"I'll be less than thirty, but more than twenty-five."
"I plan on building up some maternity leave over the next couple of years, and then just riding it out as long as I can." (I'm pretty sure mentioning anything about aspirations to start a family is a no-no. Which is funny, because its the same way in my home...)
"I'm going to have your job."
"I don't have any room for improvement, so I'll probably just continue doing what I'm doing."
"I wont be here, that's for sure."
"I don't know where I'll be, but if I'm still here working this job, I'll probably be bitter."

Alright, well, hopefully that got it out of my system. I make a notoriously bad first impression, which is why I have to turn to interviewing websites for guidance.
The websites say that if you don't have a five year plan, you'll look lazy. But the thing is, I AM lazy. My ideal work environment is a place where I don't actually have to work. And thats the kind of crap I say at interviewers, which is why I still see myself applying for jobs in five years...

How to confuse your friends

Its an extreme sport in our family. And this video was posted by someone who is in my family-- no need to mention how we're related. Its the funniest thing I've seen all day, and I hope he doesn't mind that I stole it.

So, he's trying to explain how to play a simple dice game, but about 5 minutes into the explanation, I realize I would never want to ask for directions from this guy. And although I can totally see how this could quickly become fun a drinking game, if there is one thing these rules don't need, its the added complication of alcohol.

click here for the full link

Or just watch the video here:

Let the End Times Roll from Radical Warren on Vimeo.

Experimenting with Okra

If my plan to take over Delilah's job when she retires doesn't work out, I think I might have to be a take gross pictures of food professionally. The food itself is never gross, but all my pictures are. Remember Bob Evans?

Well, last night and the night before, we experimented with cooking Okra. Now, everyone says cooking Okra is tricky, and there a chance it'll end up all slimy if you don't do it just right, but every Okra recipe on earth involves bacon, so I figured the benefits outweighed the risks. Our first night we cooked fried Okra, fried in what, you ask? Bacon drippings and shortening of course! The Okra taste was kind of lost in all that corn meal and bacon grease, but it was still good. Kind of like fried clam strips; same texture.

The second night we had smothered okra, which still involves bacon grease, but also includes diced tomatoes, garlic, and hot sauce. This was the winner over the two nights. It was easier to cook than the fried was, and you could really taste the okra. And judging by the seven billion recipes on the Internet, anything that you might have laying around the refrigerator is fair game.


So, thank you, really cheap okra stand at the Davis Farmer's Market, for introducing a new vegetable into our home.

Another Day, Another Market

So, Wednesday is Farmer's Market Day in Davis as well as Saturday. And here's what we got this time:


The Kettle Corn in the back is Mike's, he got a little bag at the end of our shopping trip for being a good boy. All said and done, we spent 12 dollars. We'll be cooking the Okra tonight, so wish us luck.

Another interesting landmark on the way to the Farmer's Market was this:


Yes. Its the Bicycle Hall of Fame. What can I say? They like their bikes.

Express yourself

So I thought Vermont had some pretty liberal people, but Davis makes Vermont look like Rush Limbaugh. If I were in the left wing bumper sticker business, I'd make a killing out here. I don't think its possible for the people in this town to have a single private thought without making a bumper sticker about it. At the very least, every car must three bumper stickers: One expressing who they voted for in 2008, one proclaiming the importance of farms/local produce/organic produce, and last but not least, one sticker dedicated to the pet of their choice.

Slow Going...

If there's one thing I've learned about California in the four days I've been here, its that good things come to those who wait. And you'll do a lot of waiting here. I've always been a super fast walker, typer, talker, but in California, its even more exaggerated. Now I know how Superman felt when he'd slow down time so he could get a lot of stuff done.

Luckily, I've learned more than just one thing in the four days I've been here. Like the Chinese restaurant in the shopping plaza next to our apartment is amazing. And sometimes people at IKEA don't know what they're talking about, even when they say it in a really friendly voice. And, most recently, the farmers market in Davis on Saturday mornings is awesome.
Here's a picture I took of everything we got:



I can't wait to see what Mike makes me for dinner...

"You are a Master Ikea Shopper."

Mostly it's luck.

I might get addicted to this whole buying a ton of crap wicked cheap thing.

Because we got rid of almost all of our furniture before the move, Mike and I needed a few things for our new place: Two Dressers, a sofa, three bookcases, a trash bin, and a lamp shade. We also needed Swedish meatballs, and our new neighbor was nice enough to treat us to dinner at the IKEA restaurant. $21 bucks for four adults. We are a cheap date.

We cleaned up. IKEA's As-Is section was 30% today-- so we saved 62% on everything. WOOT.

We're using some of the money we saved on home delivery, which rocks since we live on the second floor and everything is already assembled, so tomorrow we'll be rocking out, sitting on our new, delivered furniture like kings. But for now, we just have meatball breathe, which is ok too.

Road Trip: On the Road Day Four

Miles thus far: 2482.0
Last night at the Motel 6 we met some very nice bikers who thought our cat was adorable because every time a new bike arrived, she'd jump up in the window and watch them.

The last day was shorter than the others, we took a nice route through Tahoe, and I almost got sick from all the swerving roads, but it was nice. Nevada, however, was not nice. 400 miles of desert, even driving 85 miles an hour, that's too much desert. Although, I did hit a tumble weed. that was cool.

6:42am 59 degrees: Departed from Motel 6
6:48am: Burger King, coffee: $3.93
6:56am: Departed from Burger King
6:13am (7:13am): Crossed into Pacific Time
6:53am: Entered Deeth Starr Valley
7:18am: Breakfast, McDonalds, $8.83, (PEED)
7:31am: On the road again
7:38am: Gas stop: $38.21
7:52am: Tunnel
10:52am 68 degrees: Stopped at rest area, switched drivers (PEED)
12:17pm: Gas stop, Carson City, NV $40.34
12:24pm: On the road again
12:36pm 68 degrees: 7,146ft Spooner Summit
12:30pm: Picnic Lunch, Shoals Vista Point (PEED)
1:00pm: On the road again
1:02pm: Tunnel
1:40pm 7,382ft Echo Summit
2:35pm: Switched drivers
3:35pm: Enter Davis!
3:48pm: Arrived at Clubside Apartments
Total miles: 3082.8

Even using our food money at the tolls, we made it all the way to Davis with 4 dollars left. It was a very successful, and eventless trip. And we've got photos. Oh boy, do we have photos...