2012: Year End Report

I had such a good time looking over information about myself last year that I decided I would do it again. Thanks to Google Analytics I know I had more unique views than last year, and people spent more time viewing each page than in previous years, which I am hoping suggests that more people who visited my site this year were actually looking for me!! Or how to find Kodiak Ridge Beer. Or how to make a Coors Light Cake. 

But anyway, here is "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" 2012 edition:

1. "Girl Beer Blog" -- Just kidding! You DID find what you were looking for!
2. "мексиканское пиво oz" Translates to: Mexican Beer. 
3. "Cynthia Myers" - I'd forgotten I'd even mentioned the 1968 Playboy Playmate
4. Hangovers from not drinking  
5. my burps taste like blood -- gross. 
6. my burps taste like nail polish -- also gross.
7. box of penis -- again, whats wrong with you people?
8. free porn official site blogspot.com - I'm really hoping this person had to search A LOT before finding my page...
9. Lx lodged in your mouth - WTF internet?
10. My mom thinks I make up pain


So, there was a lot of porn related searching there, and I didn't even include to searches with the words "boner" in them. The internet is a sad place. Most of the other searches were how to talk to awkward people, or how to talk to people if your awkward. My advice: Don't try. Just blog about it. People love that. 

Going where no Kim has gone before...

After a long break with no beer reviews, I give you Romulan Ale. Although judging by other online reviews, this beer was never a huge crowd pleaser, my review still comes with a huge asterisk: this particular bottle of beer is at least four years old and before being given to me*, had been stored, unrefrigerated, in a clear glass bottle. It has no sell-by date or information on it (except a warning about the risks of consuming alcoholic beverages, so I at least know it was brewed after 1996 when those labels became mandatory), so I'm thinking the best case scenario for me here is to walk away without food poisoning or death.

 Being as Romulan Ale is ALSO the name of a fictitious beverage on the show Star Trek, it was hard to do research on the internet. My Google search mostly came up with fan fiction, cocktail recipes, and episode recaps. The beer was produced by a member of the Miller family, Cerveceria La Constancia, a brewery in El Salvador (a country not known for its fine beers)-- that's pretty much all I could find.  Romulan Ale is listed on my favorite beer rating website as an American Adjunct Lager, ITS NOT EVEN AN ALE!! And it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, but I wouldn't buy it if I were you.

This is the most scared I have ever been to drink a beer, next to that time when I was five years old and I drank the beer that had been sitting out next to my parent's bed overnight.

Enough stalling. On to the pour... Large amounts of sediment was stuck to the bottom and sides of the bottle. Although I was anticipating the rotting vegetable smell of your standard American Adjunct Lager, this beer had no smell. If this review were a horror movie, this would be the part where the victim walks into a silent, darkened room and yells "Hello?" and hears no response, but the killer is in the room, and you know it. I am the victim in that example, in case there was any question.

With it's electric blue color and spotty carbonation throughout, our first reaction was "Is this actually beer?"; I would say the blue raspberry color would encourage under-aged drinking, but having tasted it, I assure you, it discourages drinking at all ages.

Long story short *insert gagging, running for something to wash my mouth out, and fear here* It was terrible and absolutely undrinkable. The grainy corn garbage had turned. THAT'S RIGHT, I would have considered grainy corn garbage taste a VICTORY.  It was like blue, liquid bread mold. My mouth might never forgive me. I'm kidding. My mouth has seen a lot worse.

Grade: D- Not the worst beer ever, but nearly the worst beer ever.

*Thank you, Gordon Sharp, for your generous donation.

Thanks, Pinterest

So, like a lot of people, I've gone bat-shit crazy over Pinterest. I got married in July, which means I've said "I got the idea for Pinterest" so many times its become a habit for me to say it anytime anyone compliments me for any reason. Luckily, most compliments I get come to ideas I got from Pinterest, so it works out. Cute hair? Great Recipe? Awesome Gift Idea? Yeah, That came from Pinterest.

Some ideas are better than others. Yesterday I decided to do the "Make your wedding invitation leftovers into a Christmas ornament" project-- which turned out not-awful, considering the end-result was meant to look like a bunch of cut up pieces of paper stuffed in a clear ball I got from Joann's Fabrics.

This was the inspiration:

This is what mine looked like:

See? That's not awful. Tacky as shit, but not awful. And that's what makes Pinterest great. It makes ordinary, lazy people feel like they can be crafty. Its like getting ideas for home decor out of a magazine, if that magazine was Highlights. 

I should have taken a picture of my attempt at reception art, which involved red string and nails... But it was terrible, so I destroyed it. They can't all be winners. 

The Official Beer of NES: Tailgate

When I saw this black and orange six pack at Grocery Outlet, I knew I wanted to review it. But then I saw it was a hefenweizen and I recoiled.  It calls itself "The official craft beer of tailgating". Because when I think tailgating, I think small artisan batches of hefenweizen. But, I guess if I'm going to drink a canned hefenweizen, it might as well be the official hefenweizen of tailgating. Why not.


My suspicions that this was some sort of bastard cousin of the Gameday beers was wrong. Tailgate Beer is a new brew, founded in 2007, and is based out of San Diego but brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin by Minhas Brewery. Heard of Minhas? That's because they make Trader Joe's beer. From what I can tell, Tailgate is actually a small producer. I know I should have gotten that from the 'craft brew' denotation, but considering all the beers I review call themselves 'premium', words don't mean anything to me anymore.  But it is interesting to note that the term 'craft brew' does not mean a whole lot. Any brewery that produces 6 million barrels of beer or less per year is a craft brewer. There are over 2 thousand breweries registered in America, and less than 50 of them produce enough beer to not be called a 'craft brew'.

The company was founded by a 21-year-old, but the cans look like they were designed by an 8-year-old who was inspired by an old NES game. Likewise, the website is a sports themed mess that slowed down my browser like I was visiting a free porn site. Or, you know, what I imagine visiting a free porn site would... Nevermind. Anyway, All that being said, the website's FAQ page made me laugh; its snarky and informative. I kind of wish I'd written it. (check is out here). On to the pour...

Its light and clear, which is uncharacteristic of a hefenweizen, but if there had been shit floating around in it, I wouldn't have been too thrilled with that either. The technical classification is American Pale Wheat Ale, but it smells like any bland Adjunct lager I've ever had. Just don't smell it more than you have to. Its got a little bit of ass-stench to it. Its also got that malty syrup taste that I'm not a tremendous fan of. Those were the cons. The pros being its a light, drinkable beer with very little after-taste. The taste is improved with a little bit of lemon juice. 

Mike gives it a C+ when ice cold, but a C- when slightly warm, where I give it an overall C. 

There's the right way, There's the wrong way,

And there's the Kingway.

It sounds like the name of a discount grocery store, but it's actually a beer from China that I bought at a discount grocery store. It was the only 6-pack of its kind, and sitting in a ripped box and covered in dust, it wasn't hard for me to know which beer to pick for this installment of the beer blog.

Although from China, Kingway is a European Pale Lager. Now, I know Euro Pale Lagers are not something we deal with everyday on this site, so let me explain briefly how that differs from an American Adjunct Lager: It doesn't. 

So, moving on, the brewing company, Guangdong, was founded in 1990 and as of 2004, Heineken has owned 21% of the brewing company, which may have something to do with the label stating its brewed "In the German Brewing Tradition".

The website for Guangdong looks like it was made by a mid-western family to post their yearly Christmas letter. That aside, its the most informative beer website I've seen, covering everything from ingredients, to information for the stock holders, to annual reports, or as I like to call them, "the Kingway Christmas letter".  The website states that they vow to make sure every bottle of beer is 'flawless', and boasts 'Green Technology', which means brewing without the use of formaldehyde. Wait. WHAT? I had to do research, and apparently, trace amounts of formaldehyde is used in not just Chinese beer, but most beers, to prevent bacteria from growing in the can. Bottled beer does not contain formaldehyde, but even at trace amounts, with the amount of beer that I consume, I'm probably going to end up pickling myself.
But back to Kingway. It received the China Best Brand award in the 'green food' category in 2002, 2004, and 2005, which is super prestigious, considering how well known China is for its beer. 

It had a good pour; good head, proper lacing, clear golden color. I feel like there was a bait and switch, because all the really positive stuff ends there. It had an off-putting smell that was not at all beer scented, but neither Mike or I still can't place it. Old potato? No. I don't know. Its drinkable, just don't give it a chance to get warm. Mike tasted the rotten vegetable taste often present in american adjunct style, but I didn't. I did however experience a mildly unpleasantly, thick, sweet mouthcoat. And gave me awful after-burps.

I give it a C-. It had good presentation, I think if it hadn't been as old as it appeared to be (there was a stamp on the bottles that may have suggested it was brewed in 2010), it could have gotten a solid C.

The California State Fair: People Watching that Moves You!

California has a massive state fair, so massive that just being a state fair isn't enough. Every year it has to have a theme. This year's theme was "Fun That Moves You", which seemed pretty unnecessary because as far as I'm concerned, no one I know actually goes to the state fair for 'fun'. We go for two main things, to eat so much food that we nearly die, and to judge strangers as they eat so much food that they almost die.

So, with our agenda set, we started out for the California State Fair on six dollars night. We were hoping cheap ticket night would attach prime people-watching material, only to find out that people go to the California State Fair not just to see, but to be seen. I was deeply disappointed by the amount of updos, and sleek dresses. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of XXL Micky Mouse shirts and fanny packs to go around, but I wasn't wading ankle deep in dirty screaming children. Wait. Am I complaining about that right now?

On to the food. I don't remember where I first heard this, but I've had a lot of people tell me that no one should eat more than two hot dogs a month. I didn't know why, but I figured, since everyone seemed to know it, so it must be true. I found an article online that said eating a hot dog is the equivalent to smoking a cigarette. I guess it makes sense; you tend to really crave both when you're stressed out, and if you have one at a kid's party, you're instantly racked with guilt. The American Institute for Cancer Research produced a study that suggested eating a hot dog a day could increase your chance of colon cancer by over 20%. All that being said, I really, really wanted a hot dog.

And they're not hard to find at a state fair. But I didn't want some plain jane chili dog, or a hot dog on a stick. This was the State Fair. I needed something special. Like a hot dog wrapped in a doughnut. 

Yeah. A maple glazed doughnut cut in half and stuffed with a hot dog for $5.75. That was exactly what I was looking for. As we were ordering, a little girl came up behind us and read the sign "'Doughnut Dog?' GROSS!" and then ran away. I feel like that was fate giving me one last chance to turn back, but the food truck guy had already gone out back to get the doughnut out of his trailer, so I felt obligated to stay.

Seen here, being modeled by Mike, it was actually a pretty good dog, but the mix of frosting and  tubed meat was kind of gross. And the doughnut, which was probably fried early in the morning, was extremely stale by 7pm.

Here is a close up of the Doughnut Hot Dog. I'm still struggling with what we would have topped it with. The options of yellow mustard or ketchup sounded too gross to try. As we were eating this, I couldn't help feeling like we were being watched. And judged. 

Oh, Schlitz. You caught me.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, here's a not-so-bad beer review:

To be fair, there is very little that is mass produced, with the exception of hot dogs and BK Mocha Joe, that isn't terrible. So when I find a beer that is distributed nationwide that it even mildly drinkable, I celebrate it as a victory.

 

Schlitz is doing its best to cash in on it's own vintage mystique, going as far as to using an old picture of Playboy's Miss December 1968, Cynthia Myers, as their mascot. Who, just for reference, passed away last year at the age of sixty-one. That's right, their advertising angle is so old, it's literally dead. Schlitz's slogan, which hasn't changed in over 100 years, is "The beer that made Milwaukee famous", but could just as easily be, "The beer that you associate with old people."

Or is that just what they WANT you to think? This isn't a new trend for Pabst Brewing Company. They pretend their market is old men, but in actuality, its young men who dress like old men. I'm talking about hipsters. Finally, something that will match my maroon knitted beanie cap...

Although you should probably just drink it straight from the bottle, the pour has a clear, bright yellow color and very lacy, lingering head. With an alcohol content of 4.6%, this American Adjunct Lager has very little about it that is unlikable. That being said, it is also highly unremarkable. Its not all that refreshing; I wouldn't crave one after yard work or anything. But that's okay, hipsters don't do yard work. And it's lack of excitement plays right into the hipster mentality. 


You're drinking it. Its not great or anything, its just, you know, whatever. 


Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but THAT should be Schlitz's next official slogan...

Chelada Clamato, Here's Blood in your mouth!

Clamato is a brand of cocktail mixer that's been around since the 1960s, and apparently, one of the uses of it is the mix it into a beer. So, Budweiser was finally nice enough to do the mixing work for us-- and there's even a Bud Light version! But we're focusing on diesel today.

So, its not really a beer. Its a hybrid beverage, like a beer-tail, or a cock-beer. Let's stick with beer-tail.

This beer wins the award for most off-putting pour. The pink-ish pulpy look of it left me thinking I should have drank it of the can. But it was too late, I'd seen it. And I could never un-see it. It was like the Holocaust of alcoholic beverages. And it was a sad pour; there was an inch or so of foamy head, which vanished in about three seconds, leaving me with a flat, murky drink. It had no smell, which just added to the unsettling nature of the drink.

When did it become a trend that a beer has to literally scare me to make it into this blog? I need to start reviewing cupcakes...

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the taste of this, even though it was exactly as advertised: tomato and clam and beer, the combination  tasted exactly like blood in my mouth.

It had a strong spicy V8 taste, followed by a hint of skunky Budweiser, followed by gross clammy aftertaste that lingered for what felt like the rest of my life. I have a theory that Bud uses these flavored beers (Bud Lime, Bud Wheat, etc.) to mask bad batches of their beer. Every sip made me make the same face the cat makes when she smells something that threatens her.

(Okay, so her face has more hate. I just look like someone slapped me. Maybe that explains the blood taste in my mouth....)

People always attribute Guinness with being "the beer that is also a meal", but I have to argue Chelada was a more savory beverage. Not like drinking a steak exactly, more like... drinking a cold, salty, pulpy clam dish. Hey. I didn't say it was a good meal.

I really dislike V8, so I found this beer-tail undrinkable. Mike is a little more tolerant of vegetable drinks, so he could drink it, but still found it to be awful.

Although I'd give it a few extra points for creativity, this beer still only rates in at a D. We now have four more beers sitting in the place of undrinkable horror; in the bottom right hand corner of our fridge.

What the kids are drinking

I was under the false impression that if a beer had to beat it's customers over the head with the fact that it is alcoholic, than it MUST be delicious. I'm not under that impression anymore. Calling this an "alco-pop" is an insult to soda, alcohol, and under-aged drinkers.

The name is Joose. At first I thought it was an alternate spelling of "Jose". But no, its "Juice". Like "Jungle Juice", That toxic hodge-podge of alcohol and fruit drink that you often find at a college party. Well, maybe you don't find it... but I always seem to. The people at United Brands Company, Inc. decided it would be a good idea to mass produce that experience. It comes in a variety of flavors, the most prominently advertised being grape, but I didn't go there. I went with Cherry Lime instead.

Its actually got an excellent pour, its the color and carbonation of raspberry ginger-ale, but the similarities between Joose and the things that I love end there.

My first flavor response was, "this kind if tastes like a lime rickey!" which was immediately squashed by the burning taste of grain alcohol. My immediately response was to dump the bottle down the drain. And then I realized I didn't fully taste it, and I had to pour a second one. Thanks to my burps, I now know what nail polish removal tastes like.

The throat-ruining burn is not without reason: the alcohol by volume is an impressive 8.5%. The idea that children are drawn to this malt beverage is both good, and bad. Its good, because this is going to turn a LOT of smart kids away from drinking, but bad because a lot really stupid kids will die.

Joose has been awarded a rare spot in our refrigerator. The undrinkable beverage place, where undrinkable beers go to lay in waiting, until someone becomes curious enough, or drunk enough, to try it.

Beer rating: F.

Ed Hardy Beer - The tramp stamp of alcoholic beverages

People can stop using the word "premium" now. It officially has no meaning. Its like a silent letter in the American vernacular. 

Just when I thought the ill-advised popularity of Ed Hardy was over, I find this at my local grocery store. Its a beer based on a clothing brand, based on the success of a tattoo artist; what could possibly go wrong?! For starters, Ed Hardy Premium Beer scored one point lower on BeerAdvisor than the beer that shall not be named, so I was literally preparing myself for the worst.

The Ed Hardy website states that this beer is a "drink for celebrities", it then proceeds to name drop a few B-listers from the mid-nineties who apparently 'follow' the beverage. Well, if Britney Spears drinks it, that must mean something. Right?

It seems as if Ed Hardy put exactly the same amount of thought into its beer label as they did their "premium" clothing line. The box is just a tiger face that made both Mike and I think of that cologne "Sex Panther" from the movie Anchor Man. Because that's exactly what I want to think about when I buy a beer. Perfume. The box offers no other information, other than the requirement of informing me it is beer, and telling me that there are 12 of them in there. I'm still not 100% sure where this beer comes from, there was a website saying it is brewed by the same people who make Tecate, but that's not true. Although it does come from Mexico, it is distributed through a New York company. That's the best I could come up with.

Anyway, on to the pour. The beer is highly carbonated, but turns flat quickly. It has a sweet smell, but much to my surprise, and sadly my delight, very little flavor. It coats the mouth, but not in the sticky sweet way a lot of cheap American Adjunct Lagers do. Mike was a lot more critical of the beer than I was, mostly because what he tasted as a strong rotten vegetable flavor, I only tasted as a mild rotten vegetable flavor. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good, and I will never drink it again, but it wasn't the worst. 

I give it a low D rating, just a hair above a D-. Not even if you were watching Jersey Shore would this be an appropriate beverage choice.

Shit my mom says.

I fail at Mother's Day. I mean, tomorrow I'm going to send her some flowers with a cheesy note and try really hard to remember to call her. And that's suppose to show that I appreciate the life she wasted trying to make sure I didn't choke to death on my necklace in my sleep. The best Mother's Day present in the world isn't going to make up for what a pain in the ass it was to work around my school schedule for twelve years. If Catholic guilt had a Holiday, it would look exactly like Mother's Day.

And Mother's Day isn't even good for mothers! Do you know how much effort has to be put in to faking excitement over a picture frame covered in glittery macaroni? You're just giving her another chore. Now she has to clean up glitter, which everyone knows is impossible.

My mom told me recently that she worries she didn't do a good enough job raising my brother and I (a confession I am sure is totally fine with me sharing on the internet). Now, most people use Mother's Day as an occasion to thank their mothers for helping them become what they are today. I want to go one step further and blame her. I have an irrational belief that I am the prettiest girl in the world, and I honestly believe those other girls are just jealous, and its all her fault.

Also, My mother has instilled in me a healthy fear of bears. When I was younger, she used to find the weirdest times to tell me facts about bears. She would tuck me in at night and say, "Bears can outrun people!" or "Did you know you could shoot a Grizzly bear with a shotgun, and it wont die? You're going going to make it mad! Sleep tight!"

My mother also aided my being weird and awkward by pretending like it was "ok" to be different. She used to make my brother and I sing "rocky raccoon" to her when we'd go on car trips. And the radio wasn't broken. Because of that, I think I have an excellent singing voice. That's right! She told me I have a nice singing voice. You're welcome, world!

Muppet faces. A new Christmas tradition. 

So, I guess my point is, I like the job my mom did raising me. 

Its not a picnic without ants.

What is Picnic Day, you ask?

Well, for starters, today was Picnic Day in Davis, California. I went to the trouble of Googling the history of it, and apparently the first Picnic Day was held at UCDavis in 1909. So its wicked old. It's the largest student run event in the country, but for some reason people are surprised that it boils down to nothing more than a beer-soaked frat party. Why they continue to attempt to bill Picnic Day as a family friendly event is beyond me. Its a day long occasion where undergraduate Bros pull on their best v-necks tank tops, and slack-jawed woo-girls do everything they possibly can to make their parents ashamed of them.

But let's face it, I could talk about myself all day, so lets just go to the video:

If that video didn't capture all that is Picnic Day, I also have this photo of a guy we ran into at my favorite Chinese restaurant:

Don't get me wrong, there was also plenty of good, clean fun to be had, which I will represent here:

                        Making your own Harry Potter wand to support Sacramento literacy,
 Actual for-serious fencing,

                                                                                              And tiny dog hugging.

Bad Beers Come to Those Who Wait...

This is the white whale of redneck beers. I saw it once in a 30 rack, shortly after what I now refer to only as The Game Day Ice Experience, in which I vowed to never buy a 30 rack of experimental beer ever again.

However, this past weekend, while having a conversation with an employee at Grocery Outlet Bargain Market in which I found out I am known as "that woman who bought all that Game Day" (I am not kidding) I was lamenting that I had tried everything that had in the 'bad beer' category, I turned around to find a 6 pack Beer30 Light.

What?! That wasn't a sentence, you say? I'm a beer blogger, not a proper sentence writer.  

For those of you who were not raise in a barn, or a trailer, or some barn/trailer combination, "Beer30" is a response used when someone asks you what time it is and you indicate that its time to drink. What time is it, you ask? Why, its Beer30. And here's a hint: to some people, its always beer30.

There's apparently no regular Beer30; just Light and Ice, which I assume is why Beer30 Light has a 4% alcohol content. Lets face it, Beer30 Light is just regular Beer30, the fine people at Melanie Brewing in Wisconsin were just trying to class it up a bit.

I am losing faith in my previous go-to beer rating site. They ranked Beer30 Light at the same level as Game Day Light, which is clearly the problem with user generated ranking websites. People don't know a bad beer if it gag\s them as they drink it.

Back to the beer review. It looks more like a can of grape soda than beer. Modeled loosely off of the Bud Light can, the similarity stops there. Upon pouring, it had surprisingly good color. And good, however short-lived, head. It lost all carbonation almost immediately.

Luckily, didn't taste as sweet as it smelled. Instead it tasted a tiny bit like bleach. Kind of like drinking a beer at an indoor pool. It lacked any crispness, or refreshing quality. So, again, kind of like you were drinking the water at an indoor pool. On the bright side, there was very little aftertaste.

All in all, it's not a gag-inducing horror, but it isn't good either. Honestly, I find myself a little disappointed. I searched for this beer for months, and in the end, it was less of a white whale, and more of a giant plastic bag that I just thought was a whale from a distance, which happens to me a lot.

I give it a D+

Cheesy.

So, I've put myself on a diet which isn't anything new, but I'm actually doing a pretty good job at sticking with it to some degree. So, that's totally new.

I've lost a tiny amount of weight, but my face isn't any prettier, which leads me to believe by the time I reach my goal weight, I'll just look like a very svelte fruit bat. Why do people diet if they don't get prettier?! I feel lied to.

But moving on, prior to recently my diet consisted of only two key staples. Cheese and Beer. I've noticed now that I'm not eating as much we've got a cheese pile-up happening in our fridge.

I decided to compile a list of cheeses we've got in our fridge right now because just saying "We've got a lot of cheese!" didn't feel like enough. So, here it is, in no particular order:

Cabot Mild Cheddar slices
Cabot Garlic and Herb Cheddar
Cabot Tomato Basil Cheddar
Sorrento Trivia String Cheese (because I like to learn something when I eat my cheese!)
Cracker Barrel Sharp White Cheddar (I just now realized that I say "brarrel" not "barrel". I died a little)
Cracker Barrel Cracked Black Pepper Cheddar
Athenos Garlic and Herb Feta (which makes excellent Spanakopita, by the way)
Kraft shredded Mozzarella
Hahn's Cream Cheese
Kraft grated Parmesan Cheese

and finally, the greatest of all cheeses, sent to us by Michael's mother:
Cabot Seriously Sharp Hunters Cheddar - 2 lbs

I could make some VERY good macaroni and cheese. But I wont. ... Maybe I will.

I'm Walking on Mexican Sunshine

In an effort to fully immerse myself in learning Spanish, I decided to review the Mexican import Sol.

I'm just kidding. This has nothing to do with me trying to learn Spanish. Although, I did learn that "Sol" means "Sun" in this context, and is not a reference to the name Solomon. That makes the slogan "The Original Mexican Sunshine Beer" make a lot more sense, although they could have a great mascot in a guy name Sol. Just sayin'...

Moving on. I bought a 32 oz bottle of Sol for just over two dollars. It totes a 4.5% alcohol content, which is about average. The label, which apparently has not been altered since it's creation in 1890, is appealing in that "looks like something I might find in my grandparent's basement" sort of way. The beer itself has got good color, similar to a Corona.  

Upon pouring, I was made a little uncomfortable to the soapy foam that made rings around the bottle and stayed there for what seemed like minutes. And it smelled like pee.

Now is as good a time as any to mention that BeerAdvocate rated Sol at the same level of 7-11's Game Day Ice. At least I didn't have to buy twelve of them like I did when I reviewed Game Day. I've still got one of my fridge.

 Any takers? I didn't think so. 

With an introduction like that, its not hard to be pleasantly surprised. This highly carbonated beer was light and refreshing, had excellent bite, and no weird mouth-ruining aftertaste. It did, however, induce some rather terrible malt liquor burps.

I have to say this is one of the less stomach-turning beers I've had the pleasure of reviewing. It would have paired really well with spicy or salty food. I might actually buy this again (maybe).

Since I've gotten in the habit of rating these after drinking, I give Sol a solid C. For "C"ertainly not the worst beer I've ever had.

Gross Food Photography Rides Again!

I decided to take a break from gross beer to revisit one of my earlier passions: gross food photography. Also, I can'find any new gross beer. 

Last week I bought five frozen meals, and disappointed myself one lunch at a time. Starting with this:

                                 

By far the most expensive of my frozen meals, costing over two dollars, was this steam-fresh meal. When I started eating it, I was disgusted by what I thought were gross large mealy carrots. Upon reading the box, I discovered they were actually gross large mealy sweet potatoes. The texture was worse than the flavor. It was the easiest to prepare: four minutes in the microwave, and then eat. None of that, cut the film, then 2 minutes, then stir, then remove remaining film, then 2 minutes, then sit. I might as well just make a real lunch if I'm going to work that hard!

Next, lets play a game. The following two meals cost 88 cents each. I want you to guess which is chicken, and which is fish! (because who doesn't like to play with their food?)

Gross Meal Number One comes with completely odorless, flavorless Mac and Cheese and a brownie that bakes itself in the microwave (and goes everywhere):

Gross Meal Number Two also has flavorless Mac and Cheese, but comes with clumpy chocolate pudding for dessert:

If you guessed Meal Number One was chicken, you win! How did you know?! (If you were wrong, don't worry, I'm the only real loser here) Both 'meats' were grey, and although the 'chicken' tasted like raw corn meal, it still narrowly beat out the fish, which smelled more fishy than it tasted. You're welcome communal microwave.  

After two days of that, I decided to finish the week with a quick tour of Italy, starting with Manicotti in a red sauce:

No, that's not the bottom of a dumpster you're looking at, that's my lunch! Two tiny rolls of cheese filled pasta tucked into the corner of cardboard box of red sauce with suspicious black flakes in it. The cheese wasn't that bad, but I couldn't get over the pasta to sauce ratio. 99 cents for the meal, by the way.

Never in  the history of mankind has anyone looked forward to the end of the work week more than I did last week. My tour of Italy concluded with every frozen dinner maker's favorite bastardization: 

Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo.

Sponge-y chicken cubes smothered in fat sauce, with the tiniest suggestion of broccoli, and hard, dry pasta. Probably the best of the bunch, honestly. 

I'm ready to go back to gross beer now, please.

Beer Blog: Girl Drink Edition!

I was getting sick of having to drink terrible beers all the time, and seeing as "Beer30 ICE" was my only other unique option, I thought a nice girly drink review would be fun. Also, I can never, ever drink ice beer again. Never. Ever.

The girly drink of the evening is a locally produced cider called America's Best ACE Perry Hard Cider. "Perry Hard Cider" Not "Pear". "Perry". Apparently "perry" is an acceptable nickname for pear cider in the cider world, but I think they're just trying to get away with not using pears. Its got pictures of pears all over it, so I could assume it was probably pear-flavor-related, although the label has no mention of pears in the ingredients... Maybe they were just banking on me being a non-reader. BANK AGAIN AMERICA'S BEST!

America's Best website tells me not-surprising little about the actually cider, except that they have four flavors and they've been producing cider for 15 years. And then they shit all over the American brewing industry.  Fascinating stuff. I was shocked to see that it wasn't even listed on BeerAdvocate's site, until I remembered that it wasn't a beer. That make it a must less shocking revelation, and made me feel pretty stupid. Perry is a pretty new beverage, born in August of 2010, although its available in almost half of the states in the US, and it has a higher than expected ABV of 6%, which makes it one of the strongest beverages I've ever reviewed.

The cider poured an excellent yellow, extremely carbonated with copious amounts of head, which fizzled to almost nothing within seconds. The smell is off-putting; a strong, sour fart smell, which is not completely uncommon to ciders, but significantly worse than any I can remember. On a positive note, its got a taste that's best described as a liquid jolly rancher. They should really consider marketing this to kids, it would be a huge hit.

Lastly, its gluten-free, and lower in calories than beer or wine, which means when those kids --err, I mean.. women-- are sucking down these jolly ranchers, they don't have to worry about aggravating that gluten allergy their mom told them they have, or worse, getting fat.

Böner: "Its a hard sell"

Its Re-dick-ulous!!

As much as I giggled all the way to through the check-out line and brainstormed penis jokes all the way home, after doing a little research, I almost didn't write this review. 


Böner was created after the popularity of a t-shirt with the phrase "Pop a  Böner" on it actually made people want to drink the fictitious beer being advertised (may I suggest, if you try a Google Image Search you make sure to include the word "t-shirt". And even then. Don't. Just don't.). The whole concept just seemed cheap to me; Its like when companies starting brewing Duff Beer --currently only available in South America-- so people could drink the same beer as Homer Simpson. Böner Beer sales are completely driven by cheesy jokes and marketing ploys. As the website advertises, "Watch [insert sport here] with a Böner!", "Order a stiff one!", "It's sure to get a rise out of you!". They also have the "Böner girls" who are like, forty and all greased up, and not at all boner-inducing.  


So, if all the jokes are made, why review it? I have my reasons. Its brewed by the Lion Brewery in Pennsylvania, and only distributed/marketed in Texas. Never heard of Lion Brewery? Well, they were the maker of my FAVORITE no-longer-available cheap beer Brubaker. But that's review for another day. I've attached a link to the BeerAdvocate website if you want to learn more. Teaser: It was only available at a select few bars in Boston, and it was brewed in sticky re-used bottles. My point is Lion Brewery only seems to brew cheap, obscure, poorly distributed beverages and THAT, my friends, is a beer worth reviewing.  


The beer was brand new on the market as of 2011 and is already selling at discount grocery stores for $2.99 a six pack. That doesn't seem like a great sign. My first thought was "Of course it was marketed in Texas. Stupid Texas." But to be fair, nobody doesn't like a boner joke. In fact, I vote people stop saying love is the universal language, and just agree that its actually boners.

Its a wheat beer brewed with pineapple, which breaks my streak of only reviewing American Adjunct Lagers, but it means I have to drink a pineapple flavored wheat beer, which kind of sucks.  


My first reaction, and the ruining factor for my co-reviewer Mike, was the smell. It had that apple cider vinegar smell. He couldn't finish his glass. Its yeasty, which is probably something the marketers should have considered when they were deciding on what style beer to brew and name "Böner"; super yeasty? I would have stuck with American Adjunct Lager-- everybody else is doing it. 


Terrible head, but good color. And no after taste, which was a surprise. ...This whole review is a waste. I can't stop thinking about boners. 

Kokanee, anyone?

Kokanee!! Its Glacier Fresh! I might have never heard if it, but its one of the best selling beers in Western Canada! Which is almost saying something!

                                        

Let's start with the facts: It's a Labatt product, and although brewed in Canada, it is still considered an American Adjunct Lager, proving that "American Adjunct Lager" is just code for "straw-colored backwash". It is advertised as being brewed with mountain stream water. Do they have any idea what fish do in that water?!

  

The word "Konakee" is a term for an inland sock-eye salmon in the Native American Okanagan language.

It has been kindly requested that I refrain from any jokes that poke fun at the rampant alcoholism that is present on Native American reservations. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of some really awful cheap jokes. I'm thinking them, alright. I'm thinking them right now...

Moving on... The packaging was as generic as they come. Blue skies, frosty mountains, the word 'beer'. Apparently there's a Sasquatch hidden somewhere on the label, but I couldn't find it. I'm pretty sure Wikipedia is just messing with me for not donating money like they asked me to.

The beer was highly carbonated, which left me very burpy. And much like every American Adjunct, it smelled like rank rotten cabbage. But the taste wasn't the worst. It's got an average alcohol percentage at around 5%, and lacks the standard gross after-taste, which makes it pretty darn drinkable.

Overall, I give it a high C on the cheap beer scale. Definitely a Kimber-do.

Are you there, GiaGia?

So, unemployment has taken a weird toll on me.

I'm bored, and its depressing to watch my phone not ring, and my e-mail box fill up with nothing but info on sales from the Gap, so in an effort to keep myself busy, I've started walking.

Today on my walk I was flagged down by an elderly woman who looked entirely too much like my long-deceased grandmother. If she could have stood up straight, she would have tapped out at around 4' 9'', and she had a  thick eastern European accent that I didn't remember my GiaGia having, but I haven't seen her in a while, so went along with it. She needed me to cut a tree branch for her, and it was clear, now that I had stopped, she was not asking me, she was telling me. So, I cut the branch, without a saw, and then she immediately got me started on racking the lawn. At one point, to let me know I was doing a sub-par job, she walked over and picked up a leaf from an area I had already gone over.

After I had dragged the leaves across the street, she told me to wait while she went into the house. I figured she had something in there she needed fixed, but instead, she came back with this:

Two bags of seasoned croutons and a snack sized fiber one brownie, to thank me for my help. She also offered to have me come in for some toasted bread, but I kindly declined, twice.

Its been a pretty good day, and now I know where I can get toasted bread anytime I want.

The Very First Beer of the Year

Today's beer is Kodiak Ridge Lager, a American Adjunct that I found at the local SaveMart for $3.99/6pack.

It had a logo that appealed to the ho-dunk backwoods hillbilly side of me (what? I have a lot of sides). Reading the can from top to bottom, it starts with a picture of a bear. Bears are Bad-ass. I'm intrigued. Under that, the word "Beer". Yes. I like beer, I'll read on. After that "Kodiak" Again. Bad-ass bear. Read on. Under that "Ridge" Meh... you're losing me, but then in finishes with "Lager" And I'm sold.  

I'd never heard of it, but it must have traveled to the grocery store via coal truck, because the tops of the cans were covered it soot. But it met my new requirement of not being a 30-rack, because I'm tired of getting stuck with 28 undrinkable toxic beers. So, I bought it.  But I had to clean it before I poured:

Upon pouring, I found that it had a less than impressive color. Its lightly carbonated, and the lacing is non-existent. It doesn't smell good. I don't really know how else to explain it. It smells like dirty water or something.

The distributors of Kodiak Ridge is in Novato, California, and its bottled at the Genesee Brewing Company in Rochester, New York, both of which are decided Kodiak-free zones, but whatever, if my city's claim to fame was being the northernmost town in Marin County, I'd want to associate myself with an bad ass Alaskan bear too. I'd also want to move.  

Back to the beer. Its not that thick sweet syrupy beer like the-beer-that-shall-not-be-named. Its very light, a little tangy, with very little after taste. Its certainly drinkable.
I give it a C-

Hipsters in love, or you know, just, like, together or whatever.

I spent my Sunday morning at a bridal expo, and I am embarrassed about it. You know something is shameful when they give out free cake and drinks and you still don't want anyone to know you were there.

It was exactly what I expected it to be, with the exception of a new trend in hipster weddings. There were multiple vendors (dueling vendors!!) renting vintage accessories for your special day. If hipsters even have special days. Maybe they just have, like, you know, days, or whatever.

I now know that for a small fortune, you can rent dirty old bicycles, stacked luggage, empty mason jars, old books, storm windows, or even broken camera equipment. As I was looking at their displays, I realize that my mother's house is like a warehouse of hipster accessories. And she didn't even know it; how hipster of her is that?!   

There was one "piece" at the show that consisted of three old doors leaned up against each other. They looked exactly like the doors my mother stores in our basement because it would be too expensive to bring them to the dump. I asked the vendor how much it would be to rent them and she replied, "Oh, this entire ensemble, including the board*, would be around $350 for an event."

So, let me get this straight, my mother hides her doors and storm windows in the basement, when she could be pimping them around town for serious bank?! That is ridiculous. 

I made my mom go and take a picture of one of them:

 

*the board for rent was a 2x4 covered in chipped paint. And I know what you're thinking. I can't believe she just threw the board in for free either.

To put this all into perspective, if my mother had been renting this decorative fruitcake tin, instead of getting it for free from the dump's swap shop ten years ago, she would have had to pay more then ten thousand dollars just to have it sitting, or, should I say decorating, in her pantry.

I wonder how much they'd change for a peace lily the size of a mature hosta, because she's got one. 

I asked my mom to walk around her house and take pictures of her stuff, here are a few things she captured: 

(not shown: wood stove, cake holders, rocking chair, twenty-year-old cat, 50s step stool, endless amounts of baskets, and more)

I know. Its a goldmine in there. 

Thanks, mom.