Zeedonka donk.

It's been ages since I made bad choices, So I bought a 4 back of beer for $4.99 because it had a zebra on the bottle. I didn't notice before I brought it home that it was a vanilla pale ale. Never had one before? Thats because they're not real. THAT'S NOT A THING. Either Beer Advocate or  doesn't even have a review of it yet.

Founded in 2010, Ass Kisser Ales are bottled and distributed out of San Jose, California (or maybe Ukiah? idk). At 5% ABV Zeedonka is the lightest of the five beers Ass Kisser offers. AKA promise a small, family owned brewery that uses high quality ingredients and quality craft brewery. And so does Coors, so I'm skeptical.

I was unable to find any reviews online that I really trusted were legit, Except from This is Why I'm Drunk which was a blog I just found, and I LOVE IT.





Served very cold, the pour had moderate carbonation, no lacing, very minimal head and it smelled like a candle. No-- it smelled like, if someone just smoked pot at their mom's house, and then took vanilla scented bathroom spray and just went to town. That's the smell.

It actually would have been not a terrible beer, but the taste of perfume being sprayed into my mouth with every little sip is overwhelming. Larger sips are like taking a bite out of decorative soap.

I'm actually pretty disappointed, its got the earmarks of a bad beer, with its cheeky advertising and limited information, but I took a chance on it. It didn't have the classic rotten vegetable flavor or sweet, sticky lacing, so I have hope for the brewery overall.

Verdict? Bad beer, but I would be really interested in trying their other styles.

"Its not a beer." The Bloody Caesar

Thank you to Steph and Tim for introducing us to a beverage we otherwise would have never had an opportunity to try.

Breaking the rules a little bit here. This is not a beer and its not bad. But it was super special, so I wanted to write about it anyway. 

Also known as a 'Bloody Caesar', the Caesar was invented in Alberta in 1969, designed as a signature beverage for what later became the Westin Hotel chain. MOTT's Clamato Caesar calls their beverage "Canada's Cocktail", and they mean it: Canadians consume more than 350 million glasses for Caesar a year.

So this is MOTT's canned version of the vodka beverage which is apparently so wildly popular Canada, but I had never even heard of. To be fair, I'm sure that could be said of 90% of the things that are wildly popular in Canada. Without a little investigating, Clamato Caesar could be confused for Budweiser's Clamato beer, but its a vodka beverage, so unlike a Bud Clamato there is no lacing, and no carbonation upon pouring, no gross beer. It didn't taste like blood in my mouth at all; Its more like a juice. It has a smooth spicy flavor that coats the mouth-- in a good way FINALLY- with no bitter aftertaste. I can see why this could be considered a breakfast beverage, or a hangover cure*. It's like a Bloody Mary with balls.  

.

We attempted to garnish it with the traditional celery and lime (although where the HELL are Canadians getting limes?!?) but they were more of an ocular hazard than than anything. 

Apparently there is a bacon version that is REAL nasty, but this is nothing but nice.  One of my favorite reviews of the bacon version comes from The Thrillist. Check it out, there's an excellent face that brings back memories of The Beer That Shall Not Be Named. And please, someone send me one so I can try it.

* I read an article that said tomato juice helps the body absorb aspirin faster, so science says: Drink Up, You Drunk Slob!

SHOT, the gateway beer

Why do I do this? I probably ask myself this most often when I am about to try a new beer. Its not just about grossing myself out; what interests me is the marketing; who the brewers are vs. who they're trying to be perceived as. I found SHOT EYE FOR AN I at GOBM for 5.99/12pk, so let's review.

First of all, I don't have any idea what "EYE FOR AN I" even means, I don't even want to go there. Let's just all agree that it doesn't make any sense, and move on. Aside from that little head scratcher, the box boasts all sorts of things, "This Ain't Your Dad's Beer"; "Premium" neither statement seems to be based on any reality. SHOT beer, according to a 2013 press release, is being marketed to young adults, 21 - 35 who want to drink, but are not ready to drink the hoppy, craft brews everyday. Its a gateway beer. This is the opposite marketing strategy to beers like Schlitz or PBR, where they're relying very heavily on nostalgia for 'cool factor'. This beer is hoping you'll drink it because it looks new and different. But unfortunately, the design is terrible. It looks like a Halloween beer, black and red label, with a sort of "I'm looking at you through the keyhole of the attic, where I've been kept hostage for the past 11 years" eyeball stamped all over the place. FOR NO REASON. Either they spent way too much time focus grouping this, or none at all. 

If you visit their website (good luck finding it) you will find very little about the beer, actually nothing about the beer, but TONS of opportunities to invest in the company. It reads like a timeshare pitch.

Pours nearly flat.No lacing. It calls itself a Pilsner, but its really just another American Adjunct, and like most American Adjuncts, I suggest NOT pouring into a glasses, so you can avoid having to smell it. Sweet, in a bad way, but it doesn't linger in the mouth very long. Just drink it quickly, is sweetens as it warms. 

There is apparently a "Shot Lyte" which is marketed toward women. I can't wait to see THAT at my local bargain grocery store...

Not terrible. Solid C.

The Bad Beer Blogger Blogs Again!!!

First, it was hard to find new bad beers to blog about, then I was lazy, then I was afraid to try new bad beers, then I was lazy again. But now there are a bunch of new beers that look terrible, and I'm interested again. 

Today's bad beer blog is full of 4-for-1 badness.  I present you with:

Tap Room No. 21 - The Gang

A 12 pack purchased for 8 dollars, consisting of four different brews. Remember that baking trick that people do around Christmas, where they make sugar cookie dough, and then they divide it up into small batches, and doctor up the dough so it looks like they've actually made four completely different kinds of cookies? Well, Tap Room No 21 did that with beer. They offer 8 varieties, all of which are pretty much the same. 

Tap Room No 21 is trying desperately to cash in on people's recent interest in Prohibition, suggesting that they were somehow involved. It large letters at the bottom of their website it reads, "Celebrating the Repeal of Prohibition Dec_1933". See what they did there? It APPEARS as if they're saying they were founded in 1933, in reality, they appeared on the scene around 2007, and are distributed by World Brews, the same company responsible for Caballo, Goldmine, Kodiak Ridge Lager, and other countless crimes against humanity. 

Because I do not want to sit here and describe each of these very similar beers for you, I am going to choose the worst. Without question, the worst of the four is the India Pale Ale. It is the worst example of an IPA I have ever tasted. I am tempted to say this beer was mislabeled. It was never meant to be an IPA, it was suppose to be some mixture of pond water and the spit of 100 alcoholics.  

The pour was amber colored, moderately carbonated. It smells like a sweet beer, not like hops at all. The taste was a miserable disappointment, but not a surprise. Thickly coats the mouth with sweet, syrupy beer. A few sips later, it went down the sink. 

Overall, I'd give it a D, because it was truly undrinkable, and not at all worth purchasing. As an IPA it is a solid F.

Tailgate IPA --

I was at my local discount grocery store when I saw that Tailgate had a new beer. Previously, Tailgate was only available in the two varieties: Blacktop Blonde and Hefenweizen. Much to my surprise, it seems as if the company has been so successful that they've produced a third beer. Granted.... it went straight the the discount grocery store... but still. They brewed it. That's something. I give you: Indian Pale Ale.

Available in tall boys, on tap, or as shown, in a six-pack. It was either going to be 'Third times a charm' or 'Three strikes you're out', but it didn't really matter, since I had already committed to buying it anyway.


More surprising than Tailgate producing a third style: the pour had great color and head, with substantial lacing. It looked like real beer!

The hop taste masks the major flaw of the previous two beers, which was the rotten vegetable taste. Its still there and coats the mouth after a few drinks, but the fact that I was able to finish the entire beer was a feat previously unaccomplished.

According to the website, 5% ABV and 44 IBUs. Tailgate's official website brags that the beer pairs well with hot wings, fried food, spicy food, and other beer. They even  posted a link to a IPA coleslaw recipe. But back to that last part... who pairs beer with other beer?! If your beer requires a side of beer, its not good beer!

I don't think it was either a strike or a hit, honestly... if I was going to keep with the baseball metaphors, I'd say it was more of an error that led to a base.


I give it a C-. Nearly undrinkable, but very much an improvement over the previous styles.

Tailgated Again: Blacktop Blonde Edition

Finally, I'm back to reviewing beers that haven't spoiled. They just taste like they have.
This is another beer given to me by my friend Gordon, who I am very close to re-evaluating my friendship status with.

Blacktop Blonde is a cleverly named American Blonde Ale brought to us by Tailgate, the makers of Tailgate Hefeweizen, which I reviewed last year. I was drawn the the beer because, like the beer, I am a blonde, who also happens to be a part of a comedy theater called "Blacktop". And with that stretch to connect, all similarities between me and this beer stop.

Tailgate's cans seriously looks like they were designed by a drunk ten-year-old. The mustard yellow with black and silver details is about as appetizing as the beer that's in it. Maybe they had planned on putting all their effort into the craft brew, and so the marketing budget suffered as a result. Spoiler Alert: They didn't.

On to the pour... it was pretty lack-luster; pale, carbonated, it looked more like a hefeweizen than the Tailgate Hefeweizen did, which was just another reason for concern. It smelled like raspberries, and for a second I though, "huh, thats not terrible" and then the smell turned into sour raspberry farts. Except it didn't taste even as good as that. It was sickeningly sweet tasting. To quote Michael, "God. That. Is. Awful." It made my mouth do an involuntary puckering thing. It had that sharp burning taste that you get if you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth, except I hadn't brushed my teeth.

I actually had two of these, and I will say, its no worse warm than it is cold, so that at least makes it unique. I give it a C-.

2012: Year End Report

I had such a good time looking over information about myself last year that I decided I would do it again. Thanks to Google Analytics I know I had more unique views than last year, and people spent more time viewing each page than in previous years, which I am hoping suggests that more people who visited my site this year were actually looking for me!! Or how to find Kodiak Ridge Beer. Or how to make a Coors Light Cake. 

But anyway, here is "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" 2012 edition:

1. "Girl Beer Blog" -- Just kidding! You DID find what you were looking for!
2. "мексиканское пиво oz" Translates to: Mexican Beer. 
3. "Cynthia Myers" - I'd forgotten I'd even mentioned the 1968 Playboy Playmate
4. Hangovers from not drinking  
5. my burps taste like blood -- gross. 
6. my burps taste like nail polish -- also gross.
7. box of penis -- again, whats wrong with you people?
8. free porn official site blogspot.com - I'm really hoping this person had to search A LOT before finding my page...
9. Lx lodged in your mouth - WTF internet?
10. My mom thinks I make up pain


So, there was a lot of porn related searching there, and I didn't even include to searches with the words "boner" in them. The internet is a sad place. Most of the other searches were how to talk to awkward people, or how to talk to people if your awkward. My advice: Don't try. Just blog about it. People love that. 

Going where no Kim has gone before...

After a long break with no beer reviews, I give you Romulan Ale. Although judging by other online reviews, this beer was never a huge crowd pleaser, my review still comes with a huge asterisk: this particular bottle of beer is at least four years old and before being given to me*, had been stored, unrefrigerated, in a clear glass bottle. It has no sell-by date or information on it (except a warning about the risks of consuming alcoholic beverages, so I at least know it was brewed after 1996 when those labels became mandatory), so I'm thinking the best case scenario for me here is to walk away without food poisoning or death.

 Being as Romulan Ale is ALSO the name of a fictitious beverage on the show Star Trek, it was hard to do research on the internet. My Google search mostly came up with fan fiction, cocktail recipes, and episode recaps. The beer was produced by a member of the Miller family, Cerveceria La Constancia, a brewery in El Salvador (a country not known for its fine beers)-- that's pretty much all I could find.  Romulan Ale is listed on my favorite beer rating website as an American Adjunct Lager, ITS NOT EVEN AN ALE!! And it is available for purchase on Amazon.com, but I wouldn't buy it if I were you.

This is the most scared I have ever been to drink a beer, next to that time when I was five years old and I drank the beer that had been sitting out next to my parent's bed overnight.

Enough stalling. On to the pour... Large amounts of sediment was stuck to the bottom and sides of the bottle. Although I was anticipating the rotting vegetable smell of your standard American Adjunct Lager, this beer had no smell. If this review were a horror movie, this would be the part where the victim walks into a silent, darkened room and yells "Hello?" and hears no response, but the killer is in the room, and you know it. I am the victim in that example, in case there was any question.

With it's electric blue color and spotty carbonation throughout, our first reaction was "Is this actually beer?"; I would say the blue raspberry color would encourage under-aged drinking, but having tasted it, I assure you, it discourages drinking at all ages.

Long story short *insert gagging, running for something to wash my mouth out, and fear here* It was terrible and absolutely undrinkable. The grainy corn garbage had turned. THAT'S RIGHT, I would have considered grainy corn garbage taste a VICTORY.  It was like blue, liquid bread mold. My mouth might never forgive me. I'm kidding. My mouth has seen a lot worse.

Grade: D- Not the worst beer ever, but nearly the worst beer ever.

*Thank you, Gordon Sharp, for your generous donation.

Thanks, Pinterest

So, like a lot of people, I've gone bat-shit crazy over Pinterest. I got married in July, which means I've said "I got the idea for Pinterest" so many times its become a habit for me to say it anytime anyone compliments me for any reason. Luckily, most compliments I get come to ideas I got from Pinterest, so it works out. Cute hair? Great Recipe? Awesome Gift Idea? Yeah, That came from Pinterest.

Some ideas are better than others. Yesterday I decided to do the "Make your wedding invitation leftovers into a Christmas ornament" project-- which turned out not-awful, considering the end-result was meant to look like a bunch of cut up pieces of paper stuffed in a clear ball I got from Joann's Fabrics.

This was the inspiration:

This is what mine looked like:

See? That's not awful. Tacky as shit, but not awful. And that's what makes Pinterest great. It makes ordinary, lazy people feel like they can be crafty. Its like getting ideas for home decor out of a magazine, if that magazine was Highlights. 

I should have taken a picture of my attempt at reception art, which involved red string and nails... But it was terrible, so I destroyed it. They can't all be winners. 

The Official Beer of NES: Tailgate

When I saw this black and orange six pack at Grocery Outlet, I knew I wanted to review it. But then I saw it was a hefenweizen and I recoiled.  It calls itself "The official craft beer of tailgating". Because when I think tailgating, I think small artisan batches of hefenweizen. But, I guess if I'm going to drink a canned hefenweizen, it might as well be the official hefenweizen of tailgating. Why not.


My suspicions that this was some sort of bastard cousin of the Gameday beers was wrong. Tailgate Beer is a new brew, founded in 2007, and is based out of San Diego but brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin by Minhas Brewery. Heard of Minhas? That's because they make Trader Joe's beer. From what I can tell, Tailgate is actually a small producer. I know I should have gotten that from the 'craft brew' denotation, but considering all the beers I review call themselves 'premium', words don't mean anything to me anymore.  But it is interesting to note that the term 'craft brew' does not mean a whole lot. Any brewery that produces 6 million barrels of beer or less per year is a craft brewer. There are over 2 thousand breweries registered in America, and less than 50 of them produce enough beer to not be called a 'craft brew'.

The company was founded by a 21-year-old, but the cans look like they were designed by an 8-year-old who was inspired by an old NES game. Likewise, the website is a sports themed mess that slowed down my browser like I was visiting a free porn site. Or, you know, what I imagine visiting a free porn site would... Nevermind. Anyway, All that being said, the website's FAQ page made me laugh; its snarky and informative. I kind of wish I'd written it. (check is out here). On to the pour...

Its light and clear, which is uncharacteristic of a hefenweizen, but if there had been shit floating around in it, I wouldn't have been too thrilled with that either. The technical classification is American Pale Wheat Ale, but it smells like any bland Adjunct lager I've ever had. Just don't smell it more than you have to. Its got a little bit of ass-stench to it. Its also got that malty syrup taste that I'm not a tremendous fan of. Those were the cons. The pros being its a light, drinkable beer with very little after-taste. The taste is improved with a little bit of lemon juice. 

Mike gives it a C+ when ice cold, but a C- when slightly warm, where I give it an overall C. 

There's the right way, There's the wrong way,

And there's the Kingway.

It sounds like the name of a discount grocery store, but it's actually a beer from China that I bought at a discount grocery store. It was the only 6-pack of its kind, and sitting in a ripped box and covered in dust, it wasn't hard for me to know which beer to pick for this installment of the beer blog.

Although from China, Kingway is a European Pale Lager. Now, I know Euro Pale Lagers are not something we deal with everyday on this site, so let me explain briefly how that differs from an American Adjunct Lager: It doesn't. 

So, moving on, the brewing company, Guangdong, was founded in 1990 and as of 2004, Heineken has owned 21% of the brewing company, which may have something to do with the label stating its brewed "In the German Brewing Tradition".

The website for Guangdong looks like it was made by a mid-western family to post their yearly Christmas letter. That aside, its the most informative beer website I've seen, covering everything from ingredients, to information for the stock holders, to annual reports, or as I like to call them, "the Kingway Christmas letter".  The website states that they vow to make sure every bottle of beer is 'flawless', and boasts 'Green Technology', which means brewing without the use of formaldehyde. Wait. WHAT? I had to do research, and apparently, trace amounts of formaldehyde is used in not just Chinese beer, but most beers, to prevent bacteria from growing in the can. Bottled beer does not contain formaldehyde, but even at trace amounts, with the amount of beer that I consume, I'm probably going to end up pickling myself.
But back to Kingway. It received the China Best Brand award in the 'green food' category in 2002, 2004, and 2005, which is super prestigious, considering how well known China is for its beer. 

It had a good pour; good head, proper lacing, clear golden color. I feel like there was a bait and switch, because all the really positive stuff ends there. It had an off-putting smell that was not at all beer scented, but neither Mike or I still can't place it. Old potato? No. I don't know. Its drinkable, just don't give it a chance to get warm. Mike tasted the rotten vegetable taste often present in american adjunct style, but I didn't. I did however experience a mildly unpleasantly, thick, sweet mouthcoat. And gave me awful after-burps.

I give it a C-. It had good presentation, I think if it hadn't been as old as it appeared to be (there was a stamp on the bottles that may have suggested it was brewed in 2010), it could have gotten a solid C.

The California State Fair: People Watching that Moves You!

California has a massive state fair, so massive that just being a state fair isn't enough. Every year it has to have a theme. This year's theme was "Fun That Moves You", which seemed pretty unnecessary because as far as I'm concerned, no one I know actually goes to the state fair for 'fun'. We go for two main things, to eat so much food that we nearly die, and to judge strangers as they eat so much food that they almost die.

So, with our agenda set, we started out for the California State Fair on six dollars night. We were hoping cheap ticket night would attach prime people-watching material, only to find out that people go to the California State Fair not just to see, but to be seen. I was deeply disappointed by the amount of updos, and sleek dresses. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of XXL Micky Mouse shirts and fanny packs to go around, but I wasn't wading ankle deep in dirty screaming children. Wait. Am I complaining about that right now?

On to the food. I don't remember where I first heard this, but I've had a lot of people tell me that no one should eat more than two hot dogs a month. I didn't know why, but I figured, since everyone seemed to know it, so it must be true. I found an article online that said eating a hot dog is the equivalent to smoking a cigarette. I guess it makes sense; you tend to really crave both when you're stressed out, and if you have one at a kid's party, you're instantly racked with guilt. The American Institute for Cancer Research produced a study that suggested eating a hot dog a day could increase your chance of colon cancer by over 20%. All that being said, I really, really wanted a hot dog.

And they're not hard to find at a state fair. But I didn't want some plain jane chili dog, or a hot dog on a stick. This was the State Fair. I needed something special. Like a hot dog wrapped in a doughnut. 

Yeah. A maple glazed doughnut cut in half and stuffed with a hot dog for $5.75. That was exactly what I was looking for. As we were ordering, a little girl came up behind us and read the sign "'Doughnut Dog?' GROSS!" and then ran away. I feel like that was fate giving me one last chance to turn back, but the food truck guy had already gone out back to get the doughnut out of his trailer, so I felt obligated to stay.

Seen here, being modeled by Mike, it was actually a pretty good dog, but the mix of frosting and  tubed meat was kind of gross. And the doughnut, which was probably fried early in the morning, was extremely stale by 7pm.

Here is a close up of the Doughnut Hot Dog. I'm still struggling with what we would have topped it with. The options of yellow mustard or ketchup sounded too gross to try. As we were eating this, I couldn't help feeling like we were being watched. And judged. 

Oh, Schlitz. You caught me.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, here's a not-so-bad beer review:

To be fair, there is very little that is mass produced, with the exception of hot dogs and BK Mocha Joe, that isn't terrible. So when I find a beer that is distributed nationwide that it even mildly drinkable, I celebrate it as a victory.

 

Schlitz is doing its best to cash in on it's own vintage mystique, going as far as to using an old picture of Playboy's Miss December 1968, Cynthia Myers, as their mascot. Who, just for reference, passed away last year at the age of sixty-one. That's right, their advertising angle is so old, it's literally dead. Schlitz's slogan, which hasn't changed in over 100 years, is "The beer that made Milwaukee famous", but could just as easily be, "The beer that you associate with old people."

Or is that just what they WANT you to think? This isn't a new trend for Pabst Brewing Company. They pretend their market is old men, but in actuality, its young men who dress like old men. I'm talking about hipsters. Finally, something that will match my maroon knitted beanie cap...

Although you should probably just drink it straight from the bottle, the pour has a clear, bright yellow color and very lacy, lingering head. With an alcohol content of 4.6%, this American Adjunct Lager has very little about it that is unlikable. That being said, it is also highly unremarkable. Its not all that refreshing; I wouldn't crave one after yard work or anything. But that's okay, hipsters don't do yard work. And it's lack of excitement plays right into the hipster mentality. 


You're drinking it. Its not great or anything, its just, you know, whatever. 


Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but THAT should be Schlitz's next official slogan...

Chelada Clamato, Here's Blood in your mouth!

Clamato is a brand of cocktail mixer that's been around since the 1960s, and apparently, one of the uses of it is the mix it into a beer. So, Budweiser was finally nice enough to do the mixing work for us-- and there's even a Bud Light version! But we're focusing on diesel today.

So, its not really a beer. Its a hybrid beverage, like a beer-tail, or a cock-beer. Let's stick with beer-tail.

This beer wins the award for most off-putting pour. The pink-ish pulpy look of it left me thinking I should have drank it of the can. But it was too late, I'd seen it. And I could never un-see it. It was like the Holocaust of alcoholic beverages. And it was a sad pour; there was an inch or so of foamy head, which vanished in about three seconds, leaving me with a flat, murky drink. It had no smell, which just added to the unsettling nature of the drink.

When did it become a trend that a beer has to literally scare me to make it into this blog? I need to start reviewing cupcakes...

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the taste of this, even though it was exactly as advertised: tomato and clam and beer, the combination  tasted exactly like blood in my mouth.

It had a strong spicy V8 taste, followed by a hint of skunky Budweiser, followed by gross clammy aftertaste that lingered for what felt like the rest of my life. I have a theory that Bud uses these flavored beers (Bud Lime, Bud Wheat, etc.) to mask bad batches of their beer. Every sip made me make the same face the cat makes when she smells something that threatens her.

(Okay, so her face has more hate. I just look like someone slapped me. Maybe that explains the blood taste in my mouth....)

People always attribute Guinness with being "the beer that is also a meal", but I have to argue Chelada was a more savory beverage. Not like drinking a steak exactly, more like... drinking a cold, salty, pulpy clam dish. Hey. I didn't say it was a good meal.

I really dislike V8, so I found this beer-tail undrinkable. Mike is a little more tolerant of vegetable drinks, so he could drink it, but still found it to be awful.

Although I'd give it a few extra points for creativity, this beer still only rates in at a D. We now have four more beers sitting in the place of undrinkable horror; in the bottom right hand corner of our fridge.

What the kids are drinking

I was under the false impression that if a beer had to beat it's customers over the head with the fact that it is alcoholic, than it MUST be delicious. I'm not under that impression anymore. Calling this an "alco-pop" is an insult to soda, alcohol, and under-aged drinkers.

The name is Joose. At first I thought it was an alternate spelling of "Jose". But no, its "Juice". Like "Jungle Juice", That toxic hodge-podge of alcohol and fruit drink that you often find at a college party. Well, maybe you don't find it... but I always seem to. The people at United Brands Company, Inc. decided it would be a good idea to mass produce that experience. It comes in a variety of flavors, the most prominently advertised being grape, but I didn't go there. I went with Cherry Lime instead.

Its actually got an excellent pour, its the color and carbonation of raspberry ginger-ale, but the similarities between Joose and the things that I love end there.

My first flavor response was, "this kind if tastes like a lime rickey!" which was immediately squashed by the burning taste of grain alcohol. My immediately response was to dump the bottle down the drain. And then I realized I didn't fully taste it, and I had to pour a second one. Thanks to my burps, I now know what nail polish removal tastes like.

The throat-ruining burn is not without reason: the alcohol by volume is an impressive 8.5%. The idea that children are drawn to this malt beverage is both good, and bad. Its good, because this is going to turn a LOT of smart kids away from drinking, but bad because a lot really stupid kids will die.

Joose has been awarded a rare spot in our refrigerator. The undrinkable beverage place, where undrinkable beers go to lay in waiting, until someone becomes curious enough, or drunk enough, to try it.

Beer rating: F.

Ed Hardy Beer - The tramp stamp of alcoholic beverages

People can stop using the word "premium" now. It officially has no meaning. Its like a silent letter in the American vernacular. 

Just when I thought the ill-advised popularity of Ed Hardy was over, I find this at my local grocery store. Its a beer based on a clothing brand, based on the success of a tattoo artist; what could possibly go wrong?! For starters, Ed Hardy Premium Beer scored one point lower on BeerAdvisor than the beer that shall not be named, so I was literally preparing myself for the worst.

The Ed Hardy website states that this beer is a "drink for celebrities", it then proceeds to name drop a few B-listers from the mid-nineties who apparently 'follow' the beverage. Well, if Britney Spears drinks it, that must mean something. Right?

It seems as if Ed Hardy put exactly the same amount of thought into its beer label as they did their "premium" clothing line. The box is just a tiger face that made both Mike and I think of that cologne "Sex Panther" from the movie Anchor Man. Because that's exactly what I want to think about when I buy a beer. Perfume. The box offers no other information, other than the requirement of informing me it is beer, and telling me that there are 12 of them in there. I'm still not 100% sure where this beer comes from, there was a website saying it is brewed by the same people who make Tecate, but that's not true. Although it does come from Mexico, it is distributed through a New York company. That's the best I could come up with.

Anyway, on to the pour. The beer is highly carbonated, but turns flat quickly. It has a sweet smell, but much to my surprise, and sadly my delight, very little flavor. It coats the mouth, but not in the sticky sweet way a lot of cheap American Adjunct Lagers do. Mike was a lot more critical of the beer than I was, mostly because what he tasted as a strong rotten vegetable flavor, I only tasted as a mild rotten vegetable flavor. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good, and I will never drink it again, but it wasn't the worst. 

I give it a low D rating, just a hair above a D-. Not even if you were watching Jersey Shore would this be an appropriate beverage choice.

Shit my mom says.

I fail at Mother's Day. I mean, tomorrow I'm going to send her some flowers with a cheesy note and try really hard to remember to call her. And that's suppose to show that I appreciate the life she wasted trying to make sure I didn't choke to death on my necklace in my sleep. The best Mother's Day present in the world isn't going to make up for what a pain in the ass it was to work around my school schedule for twelve years. If Catholic guilt had a Holiday, it would look exactly like Mother's Day.

And Mother's Day isn't even good for mothers! Do you know how much effort has to be put in to faking excitement over a picture frame covered in glittery macaroni? You're just giving her another chore. Now she has to clean up glitter, which everyone knows is impossible.

My mom told me recently that she worries she didn't do a good enough job raising my brother and I (a confession I am sure is totally fine with me sharing on the internet). Now, most people use Mother's Day as an occasion to thank their mothers for helping them become what they are today. I want to go one step further and blame her. I have an irrational belief that I am the prettiest girl in the world, and I honestly believe those other girls are just jealous, and its all her fault.

Also, My mother has instilled in me a healthy fear of bears. When I was younger, she used to find the weirdest times to tell me facts about bears. She would tuck me in at night and say, "Bears can outrun people!" or "Did you know you could shoot a Grizzly bear with a shotgun, and it wont die? You're going going to make it mad! Sleep tight!"

My mother also aided my being weird and awkward by pretending like it was "ok" to be different. She used to make my brother and I sing "rocky raccoon" to her when we'd go on car trips. And the radio wasn't broken. Because of that, I think I have an excellent singing voice. That's right! She told me I have a nice singing voice. You're welcome, world!

Muppet faces. A new Christmas tradition. 

So, I guess my point is, I like the job my mom did raising me. 

Its not a picnic without ants.

What is Picnic Day, you ask?

Well, for starters, today was Picnic Day in Davis, California. I went to the trouble of Googling the history of it, and apparently the first Picnic Day was held at UCDavis in 1909. So its wicked old. It's the largest student run event in the country, but for some reason people are surprised that it boils down to nothing more than a beer-soaked frat party. Why they continue to attempt to bill Picnic Day as a family friendly event is beyond me. Its a day long occasion where undergraduate Bros pull on their best v-necks tank tops, and slack-jawed woo-girls do everything they possibly can to make their parents ashamed of them.

But let's face it, I could talk about myself all day, so lets just go to the video:

If that video didn't capture all that is Picnic Day, I also have this photo of a guy we ran into at my favorite Chinese restaurant:

Don't get me wrong, there was also plenty of good, clean fun to be had, which I will represent here:

                        Making your own Harry Potter wand to support Sacramento literacy,
 Actual for-serious fencing,

                                                                                              And tiny dog hugging.

Bad Beers Come to Those Who Wait...

This is the white whale of redneck beers. I saw it once in a 30 rack, shortly after what I now refer to only as The Game Day Ice Experience, in which I vowed to never buy a 30 rack of experimental beer ever again.

However, this past weekend, while having a conversation with an employee at Grocery Outlet Bargain Market in which I found out I am known as "that woman who bought all that Game Day" (I am not kidding) I was lamenting that I had tried everything that had in the 'bad beer' category, I turned around to find a 6 pack Beer30 Light.

What?! That wasn't a sentence, you say? I'm a beer blogger, not a proper sentence writer.  

For those of you who were not raise in a barn, or a trailer, or some barn/trailer combination, "Beer30" is a response used when someone asks you what time it is and you indicate that its time to drink. What time is it, you ask? Why, its Beer30. And here's a hint: to some people, its always beer30.

There's apparently no regular Beer30; just Light and Ice, which I assume is why Beer30 Light has a 4% alcohol content. Lets face it, Beer30 Light is just regular Beer30, the fine people at Melanie Brewing in Wisconsin were just trying to class it up a bit.

I am losing faith in my previous go-to beer rating site. They ranked Beer30 Light at the same level as Game Day Light, which is clearly the problem with user generated ranking websites. People don't know a bad beer if it gag\s them as they drink it.

Back to the beer review. It looks more like a can of grape soda than beer. Modeled loosely off of the Bud Light can, the similarity stops there. Upon pouring, it had surprisingly good color. And good, however short-lived, head. It lost all carbonation almost immediately.

Luckily, didn't taste as sweet as it smelled. Instead it tasted a tiny bit like bleach. Kind of like drinking a beer at an indoor pool. It lacked any crispness, or refreshing quality. So, again, kind of like you were drinking the water at an indoor pool. On the bright side, there was very little aftertaste.

All in all, it's not a gag-inducing horror, but it isn't good either. Honestly, I find myself a little disappointed. I searched for this beer for months, and in the end, it was less of a white whale, and more of a giant plastic bag that I just thought was a whale from a distance, which happens to me a lot.

I give it a D+

Cheesy.

So, I've put myself on a diet which isn't anything new, but I'm actually doing a pretty good job at sticking with it to some degree. So, that's totally new.

I've lost a tiny amount of weight, but my face isn't any prettier, which leads me to believe by the time I reach my goal weight, I'll just look like a very svelte fruit bat. Why do people diet if they don't get prettier?! I feel lied to.

But moving on, prior to recently my diet consisted of only two key staples. Cheese and Beer. I've noticed now that I'm not eating as much we've got a cheese pile-up happening in our fridge.

I decided to compile a list of cheeses we've got in our fridge right now because just saying "We've got a lot of cheese!" didn't feel like enough. So, here it is, in no particular order:

Cabot Mild Cheddar slices
Cabot Garlic and Herb Cheddar
Cabot Tomato Basil Cheddar
Sorrento Trivia String Cheese (because I like to learn something when I eat my cheese!)
Cracker Barrel Sharp White Cheddar (I just now realized that I say "brarrel" not "barrel". I died a little)
Cracker Barrel Cracked Black Pepper Cheddar
Athenos Garlic and Herb Feta (which makes excellent Spanakopita, by the way)
Kraft shredded Mozzarella
Hahn's Cream Cheese
Kraft grated Parmesan Cheese

and finally, the greatest of all cheeses, sent to us by Michael's mother:
Cabot Seriously Sharp Hunters Cheddar - 2 lbs

I could make some VERY good macaroni and cheese. But I wont. ... Maybe I will.